Post cleanse eating and drinking is harder than I had anticipated. I had heard comments from others about introducing foods back to their diet and their bodies having extreme reactions to said food/drink. I was really hoping for some drastic bodily reaction but nothing happened. The reason I'm disappointed because I was hoping to be able to tell myself "THAT is something you absolutely CANNOT consume" and be done with it. Unfortunately its just too easy to fall back into eating certain foods. Oh coffee with milk and sugar...no problem. Morning toast for breakfast...sure. Cake WITH frosting...absolutely. Pizza...and twice on Sundays!
Don't get me wrong I haven't blown all the weight I have lost. As I mentioned last week I did gain a 3 pounds last weekend at the destination wedding but despite the dips into forbidden foods, I have still managed to drop 2 of those pounds. I also got my period yesterday so I'm blaming the other pound still lingering on that.
I have tried to cut down to 1 shake a day and try eating more food. While I'm not being as careful I am still eating well. I haven't had a lot of time to cook this week but I did make a chicken soup with a cooked chicken from the supermarket and used lots of vegetables I had already (leeks, carrots, celery, cabbage, parsnips and a couple small potatoes). I also made stuffed peppers with Quinoa, spinach, kale and some leftover Bologanese sauce I had made the week before. I am still snacking on carrots, apples and have started to eat some GF rice chips. I have also been adding avocado to my shakes.
Last night we went to dinner after we took our son bowling for the fist time...he loved it btw and ended up at a pizza place. I had a glass of red wine - remember I said "he" loved it and two slices of pizza. It was a specialty pizza and didn't have much cheese but it still was pizza. I have certainly had other things that were not very cleanse friendly. For instance while watching GLEE the other night I had my detox tea with a side of Annie's cheddar bunnies/pretzel mix. In my defense, I knew I was PMSing and was craving something salty fierce.
The one thing I have realized is that now that there I have more food choices I need to put a concrete plan in place. Tonight I am going to go back to planning out my food for the week. I did this in week one of the cleanse when I had to eliminate all those foods. I think now that I'm trying to be eating in a cleanse friendly manner I need to be more organized about what I will be eating over the course of the next 7 days.
I do think that overall I want to avoid dairy and gluten as much as I can. Typically if I want either of those its in the form of baked goods and ice cream so I'll also be avoiding sugars too. I still feel good about myself and have been able to wear most of the jeans in my closet which I haven't worn in years. I have also been in a fantastic mood this week which is unusual for me. There are a lot of positive changes going on in my life right now and I feel really good at them. This is also equally motivating to me to stay focused on this change in food choices.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Days 25 through 30 and beyond: Accomplishments and Deprivation
I wish I could have made this post several days ago but I have been pretty busy since completing my 30 day cleanse. I also apologize in advance for its length. I hope you will read through to the end. The juicy stuff is at the end...
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for seeing the cleanse through till the end. I often think of myself as someone who has really great ideas and intentions for beginning projects. If I were a baseball pitcher I'd make a helluva opener but a lousy closer. Along the way I typically lose steam and give in to whatever temptation crosses my path. I didn't do that this time. I stayed the course of my 30 day cleanse and followed it faithfully. My fidelity led me to lose 16lbs in 30 days.
On my final 30 day weigh in, I was stunned. When I started this cleanse I was 196lbs and 30 days later I was 180lbs. My current weight is 183lbs...but more about that later. 180lbs was my pre-pregnancy weight. To be honest, I had lost faith that I would ever see pre-pregnancy weight. Now I'm wondering can I get down to my wedding weight 154lbs.
I'm going to move ahead to why I currently weight 183lbs. Two days after I finished my cleanse, I woke up at 4:30am to get dressed and out the door to catch a 7am ferry to Long Island to attend a weekend wedding in Montauk. I have expressed my anxiety about this wedding in a previous post and Thursday night my anxiety was not lessened but I did spend a considerable amount of time prepping food for my journey such as healthy snacks, preparing a shake the night before to sip on the car ride down to the ferry. I packed my blender, my protein powder, detox tea, and fizz sticks. I felt confident I could get through the weekend staying on track.
When we arrived in the Hamptons, it was a normal breakfast hour 9:30am and we were all famished. Yelp is by far the greatest invention as I was able to search for "organic food" and find a selection of local eateries where I could eat whole foods. I did indulge in my first cup of coffee in 30 days but my meal was a vegan hash of spinach, mushrooms, and onions with egg whites over brown rice. The food was delicious as well as the coffee but I had my first almost slip up when I started to take a gulp of my coffee wanting to finish it and have a second cup. I was able to put the breaks on that thought and tell myself "no second cup...you will sip this coffee and savor it."
I had more positive moments on Friday and Saturday. On Friday night I went to the rehearsal dinner which was under a tent on a lovely grassy spot overlooking a glassy pond and as the sun set I sipped my first glass of wine in over 30 days. I should explain that now that I'm no longer on the cleanse I can start "introducing" foods and beverage to see how my body reacts.
I enjoyed myself. I certainly ate foods that I shouldn't be eating but there was so much excellent food at thewedding events however I did make smart choices for breakfast and lunch on Saturday so I could enjoy myself at the wedding. I even had a piece of wedding cake and I savored every bite. It was worth it. I remember thinking on my last bite "okay this is the last bite of cake you will have in awhile."
Sunday though was an entirely different story. I feel back into my old food ways. I ate a lot of stuff that I refuse to mention...let's just say it was bad...pizza bad. I was actually hoping my body would have some apocalyptic meltdown so I would just develop a food aversion but unfortunately nothing happened physically except a 3lb gain.
I am not going to lash myself for falling off the wagon. I got back on today. I had a shake for breakfast. I made a healthy lunch and dinner. I'm enjoying my detox tea right now. Tomorrow I'm going back to boot camp.
What I noticed on Sunday was a terrible feeling of deprivation and resentment oozing through my body. My son was incredibly cranky and with good reason as his entire schedule had been completely thrown off in a couple of days due to early mornings and late nights. He was in heaven though as he got to spend the weekend with his cousins. I knew this was going to happen but I had never been to the Hamptons and wanted to spend Sunday leisurely heading back to our ferry to see the sites. My son was exhausted, unreasonable, and clingy. These traits don't leave room for leisurely anything.
Silly me decided that since he had fallen asleep in the car that 45 minutes would make a sufficient power nap so we could go to a harbor street festival. I just don't learn. I was so desperate for a vacation moment in the Hamptons but all I did was feel defeated. There was this one moment when my son decided he wanted to sit in the dust at the curb of a parking spot and put fistfuls of it in his truck. Now I am a mom who typically doesn't care about her kid getting dirty but I draw the line at curb dust. After he scooped it up multiple times and after I have said "NO yucky" multiple times, I slapped his hand. It wasn't a slap but a "stop it" tap on the back of his hand. Well my son loses it. I am sitting on a curb. My husband in a porta john. My son sitting in curb dust and I just want to float away but instead I just sit there say nothing...do nothing hoping this moment will just stop.
In my head I'm feeling tense as fellow festival goers stare at me. All I can think is I am a terrible mother. My son is crying and I'm just sitting there staring out into space. Of course some woman starts to walk towards me and my son. I immediately want her to rethink what she's about to do and walk past me but she doesn't. She tries to engage my son "who's truck is that?" He just cries louder which I knew would happen. Although she is probably doing this because she think I'm a bad mother for not consoling my son, he actually hates being consoled and gets more upset. As his mother, I knew this.
I am staring at her with a death stare and a clenched jaw and she keeps talking to him and I say nothing. In my head, I'm just wishing her away. It doesn't work. I cannot think of anything to say except "get the fuck away from me" but I don't want to make her think I am any worse of a mom than I already feel. It isn't until my husband gets back from the john and takes over that I start to think of things I could have said such as "I understand you are trying to be helpful but I find what you're doing right now really irritating." It still doesn't sound polite enough. What kills me is why I think I need to be polite to this woman.
I walk back to the car with my husband and my son. My son is upset. My husband is trying to be a peace maker and I feel like a giant asshole for being upset with my son because its not the curb dust incident that's bothering me, its that I feel like his behavior is ruining my Sunday Hamptons outing. I am finally able to name my feeling because I kept eating and drinking my face off at any available moment.
I was feeling deprived.
I am secretly envious and resentful of my friends who go out on regular dates or get to go away for a few days or an entire week without their kid(s). I try to create those moments with my son and they always fail. I set my expectations too high. I hate to complain because I am really satisfied with my lifestyle but I do wish my husband and I had a little more disposable income. I would love to have a date night once a week or be able to look forward to a weekend getaway once a year but its not in our budget. This is why I have always consoled myself with food. Food can be rich and decadent and has allowed me to escape those moments of frustrated defeat.
Even though I completed the 30 day cleanse, I plan to keep it up as well as blogging about my experience as I know that my toxic thoughts need regular cleansing.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for seeing the cleanse through till the end. I often think of myself as someone who has really great ideas and intentions for beginning projects. If I were a baseball pitcher I'd make a helluva opener but a lousy closer. Along the way I typically lose steam and give in to whatever temptation crosses my path. I didn't do that this time. I stayed the course of my 30 day cleanse and followed it faithfully. My fidelity led me to lose 16lbs in 30 days.
On my final 30 day weigh in, I was stunned. When I started this cleanse I was 196lbs and 30 days later I was 180lbs. My current weight is 183lbs...but more about that later. 180lbs was my pre-pregnancy weight. To be honest, I had lost faith that I would ever see pre-pregnancy weight. Now I'm wondering can I get down to my wedding weight 154lbs.
I'm going to move ahead to why I currently weight 183lbs. Two days after I finished my cleanse, I woke up at 4:30am to get dressed and out the door to catch a 7am ferry to Long Island to attend a weekend wedding in Montauk. I have expressed my anxiety about this wedding in a previous post and Thursday night my anxiety was not lessened but I did spend a considerable amount of time prepping food for my journey such as healthy snacks, preparing a shake the night before to sip on the car ride down to the ferry. I packed my blender, my protein powder, detox tea, and fizz sticks. I felt confident I could get through the weekend staying on track.
When we arrived in the Hamptons, it was a normal breakfast hour 9:30am and we were all famished. Yelp is by far the greatest invention as I was able to search for "organic food" and find a selection of local eateries where I could eat whole foods. I did indulge in my first cup of coffee in 30 days but my meal was a vegan hash of spinach, mushrooms, and onions with egg whites over brown rice. The food was delicious as well as the coffee but I had my first almost slip up when I started to take a gulp of my coffee wanting to finish it and have a second cup. I was able to put the breaks on that thought and tell myself "no second cup...you will sip this coffee and savor it."
I had more positive moments on Friday and Saturday. On Friday night I went to the rehearsal dinner which was under a tent on a lovely grassy spot overlooking a glassy pond and as the sun set I sipped my first glass of wine in over 30 days. I should explain that now that I'm no longer on the cleanse I can start "introducing" foods and beverage to see how my body reacts.
I enjoyed myself. I certainly ate foods that I shouldn't be eating but there was so much excellent food at thewedding events however I did make smart choices for breakfast and lunch on Saturday so I could enjoy myself at the wedding. I even had a piece of wedding cake and I savored every bite. It was worth it. I remember thinking on my last bite "okay this is the last bite of cake you will have in awhile."
Sunday though was an entirely different story. I feel back into my old food ways. I ate a lot of stuff that I refuse to mention...let's just say it was bad...pizza bad. I was actually hoping my body would have some apocalyptic meltdown so I would just develop a food aversion but unfortunately nothing happened physically except a 3lb gain.
I am not going to lash myself for falling off the wagon. I got back on today. I had a shake for breakfast. I made a healthy lunch and dinner. I'm enjoying my detox tea right now. Tomorrow I'm going back to boot camp.
What I noticed on Sunday was a terrible feeling of deprivation and resentment oozing through my body. My son was incredibly cranky and with good reason as his entire schedule had been completely thrown off in a couple of days due to early mornings and late nights. He was in heaven though as he got to spend the weekend with his cousins. I knew this was going to happen but I had never been to the Hamptons and wanted to spend Sunday leisurely heading back to our ferry to see the sites. My son was exhausted, unreasonable, and clingy. These traits don't leave room for leisurely anything.
Silly me decided that since he had fallen asleep in the car that 45 minutes would make a sufficient power nap so we could go to a harbor street festival. I just don't learn. I was so desperate for a vacation moment in the Hamptons but all I did was feel defeated. There was this one moment when my son decided he wanted to sit in the dust at the curb of a parking spot and put fistfuls of it in his truck. Now I am a mom who typically doesn't care about her kid getting dirty but I draw the line at curb dust. After he scooped it up multiple times and after I have said "NO yucky" multiple times, I slapped his hand. It wasn't a slap but a "stop it" tap on the back of his hand. Well my son loses it. I am sitting on a curb. My husband in a porta john. My son sitting in curb dust and I just want to float away but instead I just sit there say nothing...do nothing hoping this moment will just stop.
In my head I'm feeling tense as fellow festival goers stare at me. All I can think is I am a terrible mother. My son is crying and I'm just sitting there staring out into space. Of course some woman starts to walk towards me and my son. I immediately want her to rethink what she's about to do and walk past me but she doesn't. She tries to engage my son "who's truck is that?" He just cries louder which I knew would happen. Although she is probably doing this because she think I'm a bad mother for not consoling my son, he actually hates being consoled and gets more upset. As his mother, I knew this.
I am staring at her with a death stare and a clenched jaw and she keeps talking to him and I say nothing. In my head, I'm just wishing her away. It doesn't work. I cannot think of anything to say except "get the fuck away from me" but I don't want to make her think I am any worse of a mom than I already feel. It isn't until my husband gets back from the john and takes over that I start to think of things I could have said such as "I understand you are trying to be helpful but I find what you're doing right now really irritating." It still doesn't sound polite enough. What kills me is why I think I need to be polite to this woman.
I walk back to the car with my husband and my son. My son is upset. My husband is trying to be a peace maker and I feel like a giant asshole for being upset with my son because its not the curb dust incident that's bothering me, its that I feel like his behavior is ruining my Sunday Hamptons outing. I am finally able to name my feeling because I kept eating and drinking my face off at any available moment.
I was feeling deprived.
I am secretly envious and resentful of my friends who go out on regular dates or get to go away for a few days or an entire week without their kid(s). I try to create those moments with my son and they always fail. I set my expectations too high. I hate to complain because I am really satisfied with my lifestyle but I do wish my husband and I had a little more disposable income. I would love to have a date night once a week or be able to look forward to a weekend getaway once a year but its not in our budget. This is why I have always consoled myself with food. Food can be rich and decadent and has allowed me to escape those moments of frustrated defeat.
Even though I completed the 30 day cleanse, I plan to keep it up as well as blogging about my experience as I know that my toxic thoughts need regular cleansing.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Days 21 - 24: Time Flies and Dress Shopping
I can't believe that I have 6 more days till my cleanse is over. The days have been flying by and so has the weight...ha ha. The weight loss has been slowing but still decreasing. I'm two weeks into my semester and have not had the time to really contemplate what happens after day 30. I have been asked that question though by several people - my endocrinologist included. When I noticed tonight that tomorrow was day 25 (yes I am marking the days off on my calendar) i had an "oh shit" moment of "what is next?"
What is next is that two days after I complete my cleanse I am going to a weekend wedding where I will be attending the rehearsal dinner, the wedding reception, and a day after brunch! I really think I have been trying to mentally block out how difficult that is going to be for me.
A couple months ago I went to a family wedding and of course had gone dress shopping. It was depressing. Everything I tried on just was not flattering or didn't fit. I ended up buying 4 dresses (3 of which I ended up returning) because everything just looked "eh." The dress I ended up wearing was something I did like and felt confident wearing. It's hard to get all gussied up and feel uncomfortable.
Last November I had also attended a wedding where I had a MAJOR wardrobe malfunction. I sat down and the zipper on my dress just completed busted open because it was form-fitting. I really loved the dress too. I had been feeling so good about the way I looked despite being close to 200lbs. When that dress broke I was mortified. Luckily I was facing a wall when it happened and was able to sneak to the bathroom. Thank god my friend was in the bathroom at the time and was able to grab my coat and my husband. I was so embarrassed that I left the wedding early and took a cab back to the hotel by myself. I held it together until I got in the cab trying to play it off like I wasn't too upset but I cried for a couple of hours after. Once I dried my eyes I put on some jeans and went to drink lane in the hotel bar. When my friends found me, I told myself and them it was because the dress wasn't sewn correctly but it was just too hard to admit that it was because I was wearing a dress that just didn't fit right. It was too tight and it was a size 16.
Needless to say the dress that I bought for the wedding this summer was a slip on dress made of cotton jersey material. No zippers. No eyelet hooks. No buttons. No potential wardrobe disasters. I plan to wear it to this wedding. New crowd no one from this wedding (aside from husband) has seen me in it and I paid $20 bucks for it on clearance at Marshall's. Sweet right? So I tried it on tonight. It looked really slimming and all I could think was "wow this looks good but I must have looked freakin' huge in this 2 months ago...what the fuck was I thinking?"
I did go looking for a new dress for this wedding. Even though I had one I had to at least look. Don't judge you would have done the same thing. I didn't find anything I liked but it wasn't because of size. Dresses in size 12 were fitting nicely. It felt good to try on clothes and not leave the dressing room with that defeated feeling of nothing fits. I ended up getting a new dress for the rehearsal dinner though. It's really cute. It is a size L but it's nice that my boobs and my stomach aren't aligned anymore. I have a waist and my boobs stick out further than my belly.
I still haven't figured out how I am going to get through the food and drink portion of the wedding weekend buy at least I will feel good about how I look. I'm hoping that the added confidence of looking healthier will motivate me to make positive choices through out the weekend.
What is next is that two days after I complete my cleanse I am going to a weekend wedding where I will be attending the rehearsal dinner, the wedding reception, and a day after brunch! I really think I have been trying to mentally block out how difficult that is going to be for me.
A couple months ago I went to a family wedding and of course had gone dress shopping. It was depressing. Everything I tried on just was not flattering or didn't fit. I ended up buying 4 dresses (3 of which I ended up returning) because everything just looked "eh." The dress I ended up wearing was something I did like and felt confident wearing. It's hard to get all gussied up and feel uncomfortable.
Last November I had also attended a wedding where I had a MAJOR wardrobe malfunction. I sat down and the zipper on my dress just completed busted open because it was form-fitting. I really loved the dress too. I had been feeling so good about the way I looked despite being close to 200lbs. When that dress broke I was mortified. Luckily I was facing a wall when it happened and was able to sneak to the bathroom. Thank god my friend was in the bathroom at the time and was able to grab my coat and my husband. I was so embarrassed that I left the wedding early and took a cab back to the hotel by myself. I held it together until I got in the cab trying to play it off like I wasn't too upset but I cried for a couple of hours after. Once I dried my eyes I put on some jeans and went to drink lane in the hotel bar. When my friends found me, I told myself and them it was because the dress wasn't sewn correctly but it was just too hard to admit that it was because I was wearing a dress that just didn't fit right. It was too tight and it was a size 16.
Needless to say the dress that I bought for the wedding this summer was a slip on dress made of cotton jersey material. No zippers. No eyelet hooks. No buttons. No potential wardrobe disasters. I plan to wear it to this wedding. New crowd no one from this wedding (aside from husband) has seen me in it and I paid $20 bucks for it on clearance at Marshall's. Sweet right? So I tried it on tonight. It looked really slimming and all I could think was "wow this looks good but I must have looked freakin' huge in this 2 months ago...what the fuck was I thinking?"
I did go looking for a new dress for this wedding. Even though I had one I had to at least look. Don't judge you would have done the same thing. I didn't find anything I liked but it wasn't because of size. Dresses in size 12 were fitting nicely. It felt good to try on clothes and not leave the dressing room with that defeated feeling of nothing fits. I ended up getting a new dress for the rehearsal dinner though. It's really cute. It is a size L but it's nice that my boobs and my stomach aren't aligned anymore. I have a waist and my boobs stick out further than my belly.
I still haven't figured out how I am going to get through the food and drink portion of the wedding weekend buy at least I will feel good about how I look. I'm hoping that the added confidence of looking healthier will motivate me to make positive choices through out the weekend.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Days 18 -20 & Week 3 Results: Why is food so important?
I weighed in this morning for an official weight result for week 3 and I am down 4lbs from last Monday. This brings my total weight loss to 13lbs. I saw a friend yesterday who I had not seen since before I started the cleanse and the first thing she said to me was "did you lose weight?" It was definitely encouraging to have someone notice.
I really love food and in the past couple of weeks I have been trying to redefine my relationship with it. One thing that I have noticed is that I'm not as obsessed with food. I used to find myself thinking about it constantly. I would have these frenzied thoughts about when I was going to eat especially if I didn't have any food prepared to take with me somewhere. If for example I didn't bring lunch when I was off to work or didn't have time to make breakfast, I would be in a state of panic about the route I would take and what food places would be along the way. Ironically no matter where I ended up stopping I would always make a poor food choice. By poor I mean high fat and high carb like a sausage egg and cheese on a croissant from Dunkin Donuts or a turkey club with mayonnaise from a local eatery.
Since the cleanse I have more restrictions, less choices but even less anxiety about food. I really enjoy the structure. Its helping me remain focused on why I love food. I am a visual and textural person. I am also an artist so when it comes to food the ingredients are my palette and my meal is a balanced aesthetically pleasing composition.
Yesterday was the first time I ate breakfast in a while and I was inspired to make hash from a recipe I found in my new cookbook Everyday Paleo by Sarah Fragoso. I had breakfast sausage meat in my freezer from pasture raised pork so I mixed that with grated sweet potatoes, onions, apples, coconut oil and cinnamon. I topped it with 3 egg whites. This was also what I had for dinner tonight. I cannot describe to you how beautiful, fragrant, and satisfying this meal was. I know the sausage meat was a bit of splurge but well worth the indulgence.
I know I have only been on this cleanse 20 days but when I think back to how I used to eat B.C. (before cleanse) I imagine myself as an addict just looking for some kind of tasty fix...literally. I still want to experience those slow, satisfying swallows of gastronomic pleasure. I feel the need to add a disclaimer right about now as this post appears to be entering a "fifty shades of grey" ode to food. I guess what I'm trying to say is that post cleanse I still want to enjoy food but not enjoy food. It's about finding the balance between food being important, sustaining, and pleasing. I think I've said enough.
I really love food and in the past couple of weeks I have been trying to redefine my relationship with it. One thing that I have noticed is that I'm not as obsessed with food. I used to find myself thinking about it constantly. I would have these frenzied thoughts about when I was going to eat especially if I didn't have any food prepared to take with me somewhere. If for example I didn't bring lunch when I was off to work or didn't have time to make breakfast, I would be in a state of panic about the route I would take and what food places would be along the way. Ironically no matter where I ended up stopping I would always make a poor food choice. By poor I mean high fat and high carb like a sausage egg and cheese on a croissant from Dunkin Donuts or a turkey club with mayonnaise from a local eatery.
Since the cleanse I have more restrictions, less choices but even less anxiety about food. I really enjoy the structure. Its helping me remain focused on why I love food. I am a visual and textural person. I am also an artist so when it comes to food the ingredients are my palette and my meal is a balanced aesthetically pleasing composition.
Yesterday was the first time I ate breakfast in a while and I was inspired to make hash from a recipe I found in my new cookbook Everyday Paleo by Sarah Fragoso. I had breakfast sausage meat in my freezer from pasture raised pork so I mixed that with grated sweet potatoes, onions, apples, coconut oil and cinnamon. I topped it with 3 egg whites. This was also what I had for dinner tonight. I cannot describe to you how beautiful, fragrant, and satisfying this meal was. I know the sausage meat was a bit of splurge but well worth the indulgence.
I know I have only been on this cleanse 20 days but when I think back to how I used to eat B.C. (before cleanse) I imagine myself as an addict just looking for some kind of tasty fix...literally. I still want to experience those slow, satisfying swallows of gastronomic pleasure. I feel the need to add a disclaimer right about now as this post appears to be entering a "fifty shades of grey" ode to food. I guess what I'm trying to say is that post cleanse I still want to enjoy food but not enjoy food. It's about finding the balance between food being important, sustaining, and pleasing. I think I've said enough.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Day 16 - 18: Finding Balance when experience the "hangries"
I have been struggling with an enormous amount of irritable energy the past couple of days. I guess the stresses of the new semester and considering altering my career path are getting to me. I have had no time to cook the past couple of days and last night I had the time but absolutely zero motivation. I was just exhausted. In my line of profession when I a child/teenager appears agitated the fist question you ask is "are they hungry?" because if they are hungry and irritated they have the "hangries!"
I have been having the "hangries" the past couple of days because I have been on the go A LOT. I go from pre-school drop off to work to dr's appt to work to campus to home (that was Wednesday) on Thursday I went to campus to a dr's appt to work to pre-school to the farmer's market to home and luckily out to dinner. I eat a lot in my car and have been transporting lots of snacks, shakes, and water along with me. In the morning I'm so frazzled making sure I have everything I need and everything my son needs for school. My son's needs are different as at his previous daycare they made all his food and kept all his stuff now its up to me to remember every morning.
The dishes have been piling up in the sink. I have not done any laundry all week and my husband drank the last of my almond milk this morning. I really almost threw my blender at the kitchen window. Luckily I had a stash of individual chocolate almond milks for my son which was a lot of sugar but I was desperate. So I'm out of almond milk, out of toilet paper (thank god for the box of tissues I have), I'm out of almond butter. My son's snacks are dwindling however I managed to make dinner tonight...go me.
Its so hard to feel balanced although I don't feel out of control. I have been in that position and if I were then I would have been cleaning up broken glass this morning. I also don't feel like I'm doing it all alone. My husband is super helpful...not always but if I ask its only once. He loves spending time with our son and sometimes its just helpful for my husband to take our son outside to play for a few minutes while I empty the dishwasher even though I freakin hate doing it.
Last night was particularly difficult as we went out to a semi-comfort food kind of restaurant at our son's request. I wasn't cooking and did not have the brain power to make a decision so thank god for his desire for french fries and chicken fingers. I wanted a glass of wine SOOOOOOOOOOOO BADLY! I didn't have one but decided to have a nicer meal than a salad as I truly hate salad. I had sea scallops sauteed with red peppers, corn, and asparagus. It was over white rice but I didn't care. It was satisfying and I didn't have a drink.
To be honest now that I'm posting I feel a bit more relieved. I folded clothes from last weekend's laundry and have a load in the dryer. Those are also clothes waiting from last weekend to be washed. The kitchen is straightened up. I was able to get my son and husband to clean up the toy room. I'm hoping to have a family apple picking day trip tomorrow as I was told that Sunday "was for football." My husband has two fantasy leagues. He is useless on Sundays between now and the first weekend in February.
Now that we are entering the autumn season, I began to crave hot cups of coffee on chilly mornings and smooth glasses of red wine on chilly evenings. It's going to be a long couple of months!
I have been having the "hangries" the past couple of days because I have been on the go A LOT. I go from pre-school drop off to work to dr's appt to work to campus to home (that was Wednesday) on Thursday I went to campus to a dr's appt to work to pre-school to the farmer's market to home and luckily out to dinner. I eat a lot in my car and have been transporting lots of snacks, shakes, and water along with me. In the morning I'm so frazzled making sure I have everything I need and everything my son needs for school. My son's needs are different as at his previous daycare they made all his food and kept all his stuff now its up to me to remember every morning.
The dishes have been piling up in the sink. I have not done any laundry all week and my husband drank the last of my almond milk this morning. I really almost threw my blender at the kitchen window. Luckily I had a stash of individual chocolate almond milks for my son which was a lot of sugar but I was desperate. So I'm out of almond milk, out of toilet paper (thank god for the box of tissues I have), I'm out of almond butter. My son's snacks are dwindling however I managed to make dinner tonight...go me.
Its so hard to feel balanced although I don't feel out of control. I have been in that position and if I were then I would have been cleaning up broken glass this morning. I also don't feel like I'm doing it all alone. My husband is super helpful...not always but if I ask its only once. He loves spending time with our son and sometimes its just helpful for my husband to take our son outside to play for a few minutes while I empty the dishwasher even though I freakin hate doing it.
Last night was particularly difficult as we went out to a semi-comfort food kind of restaurant at our son's request. I wasn't cooking and did not have the brain power to make a decision so thank god for his desire for french fries and chicken fingers. I wanted a glass of wine SOOOOOOOOOOOO BADLY! I didn't have one but decided to have a nicer meal than a salad as I truly hate salad. I had sea scallops sauteed with red peppers, corn, and asparagus. It was over white rice but I didn't care. It was satisfying and I didn't have a drink.
To be honest now that I'm posting I feel a bit more relieved. I folded clothes from last weekend's laundry and have a load in the dryer. Those are also clothes waiting from last weekend to be washed. The kitchen is straightened up. I was able to get my son and husband to clean up the toy room. I'm hoping to have a family apple picking day trip tomorrow as I was told that Sunday "was for football." My husband has two fantasy leagues. He is useless on Sundays between now and the first weekend in February.
Now that we are entering the autumn season, I began to crave hot cups of coffee on chilly mornings and smooth glasses of red wine on chilly evenings. It's going to be a long couple of months!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Days 13 - 15: Celebrating A Holiday Weekend Detox Style and Week 2 Results
The long weekend has completely screwed up my concept of time. Monday felt like Sunday....Tuesday feels like Monday. On the bright side - Friday will be here before I know it!
Despite enduring Labor Day weekend, I managed to lose 3 more pounds. That's a total of 9 lbs in 2 weeks. Go me! I have noticed a difference in my pants as my muffin top is no longer cinched and hanging over at the waist. I have also been able to wear some form fitting tops that show a smoother curve along the waist instead of the 2 or 3 rolls of flesh I have had in the past year.
Over the long weekend we hit up the beach and had friends over for a cook out. The family beach day was fun and relaxing. As the tide went out we went for a long walk and collected seashells. To be honest, I collected seashells my son was more interested in collecting sea grass. My husband just walked along making sure our son didn't drown. Food seemed like a non issue. I packed snacks, my shakes, and sandwiches for the boys. I even managed to read an entire issue of Entertainment Weekly cover to cover while watching my son and husband dig in the sand with construction trucks.
I found ways to eat out and eat clean this weekend too. For instance after the beach, I needed to go grocery shopping as I was having people over the next day for a cook out so we went to Whole Food did our grocery shopping and ate at their prepared food stations. I avoided all the "free samples" along the aisles (which was really really hard to resist) and had a sesame kale salad, a quinoa sweet potato cake with cranberries, and some wheat berry salad (which I think is gluten but it looked good).
The cook out was a success from a food perspective too: grilled chicken, sauteed peppers and onions, black beans and brown rice, homemade mango salsa, guacamole and baked GF chips that I made from cutting up GF tortillas. My friend brought fruit salad and cupcakes (which were not GF or sugar free). I also made "mock"jitos. I did indulge in a cupcake. It was small but worth the splurge.
Monday was another wonderful family day just walking around town. We hit the playground, stopped in the local toy store for our son to play with the train table and ate lunch out. In our town we are fortunate to have a pretty tasty vegan restaurant.. After lunch my son wanted ice cream so I went to a consignment boutique and my husband took him for ice cream. I only have so much self control and that would have put me over the edge. I LOVE ICE CREAM! After that we rode a sight seeing trolley around town as this month is free for residents.
I love spending time with my son and my husband particularly family outings. When I was a kid my parents were divorced and I'd see my dad on Saturdays He'd usually find ways to entertain me. Occasionally we'd go to the MET but primarily we'd go to the movies, the arcade (more for my dad than me), exotic car showrooms because my dad loved sports cars and we'd play pool. How many dads would take their 10 year old daughter to a pool hall? Probably just mine but I am a pretty decent pool player now. My mom who I lived with worked a lot during the week and on Fridays we'd go out to dinner and go shopping or a movie. Rarely was I in a room or out with my parents together because it was always tense, uncomfortable and anxiety provoking.
I try really hard to make outings a regular part of our family life. I am trying harder and harder to make them less about food and more about fun. As we enter the fall season this is going to be increasingly more difficult. As the weather gets chillier comfort food become more enticing. Apple picking always involves cider donuts and other delectable bakery goods. Halloween = candy, candy, and more candy. One day at a time...
Despite enduring Labor Day weekend, I managed to lose 3 more pounds. That's a total of 9 lbs in 2 weeks. Go me! I have noticed a difference in my pants as my muffin top is no longer cinched and hanging over at the waist. I have also been able to wear some form fitting tops that show a smoother curve along the waist instead of the 2 or 3 rolls of flesh I have had in the past year.
Over the long weekend we hit up the beach and had friends over for a cook out. The family beach day was fun and relaxing. As the tide went out we went for a long walk and collected seashells. To be honest, I collected seashells my son was more interested in collecting sea grass. My husband just walked along making sure our son didn't drown. Food seemed like a non issue. I packed snacks, my shakes, and sandwiches for the boys. I even managed to read an entire issue of Entertainment Weekly cover to cover while watching my son and husband dig in the sand with construction trucks.
I found ways to eat out and eat clean this weekend too. For instance after the beach, I needed to go grocery shopping as I was having people over the next day for a cook out so we went to Whole Food did our grocery shopping and ate at their prepared food stations. I avoided all the "free samples" along the aisles (which was really really hard to resist) and had a sesame kale salad, a quinoa sweet potato cake with cranberries, and some wheat berry salad (which I think is gluten but it looked good).
The cook out was a success from a food perspective too: grilled chicken, sauteed peppers and onions, black beans and brown rice, homemade mango salsa, guacamole and baked GF chips that I made from cutting up GF tortillas. My friend brought fruit salad and cupcakes (which were not GF or sugar free). I also made "mock"jitos. I did indulge in a cupcake. It was small but worth the splurge.
Monday was another wonderful family day just walking around town. We hit the playground, stopped in the local toy store for our son to play with the train table and ate lunch out. In our town we are fortunate to have a pretty tasty vegan restaurant.. After lunch my son wanted ice cream so I went to a consignment boutique and my husband took him for ice cream. I only have so much self control and that would have put me over the edge. I LOVE ICE CREAM! After that we rode a sight seeing trolley around town as this month is free for residents.
I love spending time with my son and my husband particularly family outings. When I was a kid my parents were divorced and I'd see my dad on Saturdays He'd usually find ways to entertain me. Occasionally we'd go to the MET but primarily we'd go to the movies, the arcade (more for my dad than me), exotic car showrooms because my dad loved sports cars and we'd play pool. How many dads would take their 10 year old daughter to a pool hall? Probably just mine but I am a pretty decent pool player now. My mom who I lived with worked a lot during the week and on Fridays we'd go out to dinner and go shopping or a movie. Rarely was I in a room or out with my parents together because it was always tense, uncomfortable and anxiety provoking.
I try really hard to make outings a regular part of our family life. I am trying harder and harder to make them less about food and more about fun. As we enter the fall season this is going to be increasingly more difficult. As the weather gets chillier comfort food become more enticing. Apple picking always involves cider donuts and other delectable bakery goods. Halloween = candy, candy, and more candy. One day at a time...
Friday, August 31, 2012
Days 10-12: Adventures in Emotional Eating (and not eating)
I have really wanted to post more frequently but this has been a very busy week. My semester starts next week and I'm teaching 3 different courses in two different colleges. Today was my son's last day at his wonderful fabulous daycare that he's been at since 5 months and next week is his first day of pre-school. I have had an emotionally challenging week at my primary job this week that has led me to re-evaluate my priorities and explore other opportunities. On top of all this I have been trying to plan fun activities for my son on the days we are home together and keep my domicile to a minimum mess however there's a mound of dishes and glasses in the sink because I'm too tired to empty the dishwasher, I have mounds of laundry that need washing, there are so many toys strewn about my house that it looks likean obstacle course, and I have had a pesky fly bizzing around my house for days that I cannot seem to swat.
Somehow with all of the above going on, I have managed to keep up with my cleanse. All of these "to-do's" make me feel anxious, overwhelmed, insecure, depleted and worried that I am going to forget something which will eventually end with me disappointing someone or just feeling guilty. This is EXACTLY the type of emotional jumble that makes me want to eat as if food or the act of chewing will somehow make it all go away. I know that emotional eating does not help. Inevitably it just intensifies it. Ironically, food and my consumption of food this week is the only thing I don't feel anxious about. Even as I compose this post, I am sipping my detox tea.
Food is the one thing I haven't really had to worry about as I know what I can and cannot eat. I have less meals to plan. I have noticed that knowing I will have a shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch...now I sound like a Slimfast commercial but seriously...knowing those decisions are already made and that I still have some options in terms of what kind and add-ins for my shake satisfies my need for control and variety. I have even managed to eat out on a few occasions this week (once for dinner and once for lunch) and make really sound choices that fit within the cleanse clean eating guidelines.
Today I made afternoon snack for my son's final day at his daycare. I made a dark chocolate mousse. It is one of Tosca Reno's recipes and calls for silken tofu, dark chocolate chips, almond milk, and vanilla. It's super easy to make and I portioned it in 5 ounce Dixie cups. I also brought a fruit salad, cookies for the kids, and organic lite pink lemonade from Whole Foods. I had some fruit, I had a couple spoonfuls of mousse which was totally not on the cleanse but I it is freakin' delicious. I couldn't pass it up but a couple of weeks ago, I would have inhaled that sucker. I drank water with a fizz stick. I did not have a cookie.
It's Friday night of Labor Day Weekend and we are having friends over on Sunday for a cookout but my one friend is GF so that helps with menu planning. I have free range chicken to grill, lots of tomatoes, and we received lots of fresh corn from our share this week. I do feel like I earned 1 cocktail but I'll see how I feel about that as the weekend progresses.
Somehow with all of the above going on, I have managed to keep up with my cleanse. All of these "to-do's" make me feel anxious, overwhelmed, insecure, depleted and worried that I am going to forget something which will eventually end with me disappointing someone or just feeling guilty. This is EXACTLY the type of emotional jumble that makes me want to eat as if food or the act of chewing will somehow make it all go away. I know that emotional eating does not help. Inevitably it just intensifies it. Ironically, food and my consumption of food this week is the only thing I don't feel anxious about. Even as I compose this post, I am sipping my detox tea.
Food is the one thing I haven't really had to worry about as I know what I can and cannot eat. I have less meals to plan. I have noticed that knowing I will have a shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch...now I sound like a Slimfast commercial but seriously...knowing those decisions are already made and that I still have some options in terms of what kind and add-ins for my shake satisfies my need for control and variety. I have even managed to eat out on a few occasions this week (once for dinner and once for lunch) and make really sound choices that fit within the cleanse clean eating guidelines.
Today I made afternoon snack for my son's final day at his daycare. I made a dark chocolate mousse. It is one of Tosca Reno's recipes and calls for silken tofu, dark chocolate chips, almond milk, and vanilla. It's super easy to make and I portioned it in 5 ounce Dixie cups. I also brought a fruit salad, cookies for the kids, and organic lite pink lemonade from Whole Foods. I had some fruit, I had a couple spoonfuls of mousse which was totally not on the cleanse but I it is freakin' delicious. I couldn't pass it up but a couple of weeks ago, I would have inhaled that sucker. I drank water with a fizz stick. I did not have a cookie.
It's Friday night of Labor Day Weekend and we are having friends over on Sunday for a cookout but my one friend is GF so that helps with menu planning. I have free range chicken to grill, lots of tomatoes, and we received lots of fresh corn from our share this week. I do feel like I earned 1 cocktail but I'll see how I feel about that as the weekend progresses.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Day 9: What exactly is this cleanse?
I received a question today from a family member asking me about the actual cleanse I am on. It made me realize that I haven't actually written about what my meal plan looks like or what supplements I am taking.
The cleanse is part of the Health and Wellness line of Arbonne called Arbonne Essentials. If you are not familiar with Arbonne they are a European company that has been around for decades. Their products are sold by individual consultants similar to I guess Avon however all of their products (cosmetics, bath and body and health and wellness) are vegan and plant-based.
The 30 day cleanse is a package of products not necessarily designed for weight loss but to rid the body of toxin build ups. It requires that for 30 days you avoid alcohol, dairy, soy, gluten, caffeine and refined sugars. Its basically an eat clean diet with added supplement to maximize your bodies ability to flush a build up of chemicals and toxins from your body. You can just select individual products or opt to do a cleanse package. Prior to doing the cleanse, I was following an eat clean diet (minus some of the restrictions above) but without positive results. I knew that this cleanse would be a good fit for my overall health needs.
In the past several years, I have been trying very hard to buy local produce, meats, and even dairy or trying to go as close to organic as I can. This cleanse worked for me because the food you are expected to consume is supposed to be organic particularly produce and animal based protein needed to be grass fed, cage free, wild and/or free range. In terms of sugar, you can use Stevia or some other organic/natural sweetener like agave nectar, brown rice syrup, etc. All of these factors appealed to my ethics around food.
The overall goal of the cleanse is to improve the way your organs process food by eliminating toxins. At the end of 30 days you are actually supposed to slowly start introducing the foods you've avoided to detect allergens and food sensitivities.
While the Arbonne products are vegan, the cleanse is not. I eat eggs, chicken, fish turkey...I will eat beef just haven't yet but again they all need to be organic.. The products I use are a vegan based protein shake powder (there is no whey or soy in it), a vitamin pack, a detox tea and an plant based fizzy thing that I put in water. It's meant to curb your appetite and give you a boost of energy. It reminds me of those crystal lite single packets but it tastes better and is not artificial.
So here is a typical day of what I eat:
Breakfast:
On that note, I am off to lounge in front of the TV and enjoy my cup of detox tea.
The cleanse is part of the Health and Wellness line of Arbonne called Arbonne Essentials. If you are not familiar with Arbonne they are a European company that has been around for decades. Their products are sold by individual consultants similar to I guess Avon however all of their products (cosmetics, bath and body and health and wellness) are vegan and plant-based.
The 30 day cleanse is a package of products not necessarily designed for weight loss but to rid the body of toxin build ups. It requires that for 30 days you avoid alcohol, dairy, soy, gluten, caffeine and refined sugars. Its basically an eat clean diet with added supplement to maximize your bodies ability to flush a build up of chemicals and toxins from your body. You can just select individual products or opt to do a cleanse package. Prior to doing the cleanse, I was following an eat clean diet (minus some of the restrictions above) but without positive results. I knew that this cleanse would be a good fit for my overall health needs.
In the past several years, I have been trying very hard to buy local produce, meats, and even dairy or trying to go as close to organic as I can. This cleanse worked for me because the food you are expected to consume is supposed to be organic particularly produce and animal based protein needed to be grass fed, cage free, wild and/or free range. In terms of sugar, you can use Stevia or some other organic/natural sweetener like agave nectar, brown rice syrup, etc. All of these factors appealed to my ethics around food.
The overall goal of the cleanse is to improve the way your organs process food by eliminating toxins. At the end of 30 days you are actually supposed to slowly start introducing the foods you've avoided to detect allergens and food sensitivities.
While the Arbonne products are vegan, the cleanse is not. I eat eggs, chicken, fish turkey...I will eat beef just haven't yet but again they all need to be organic.. The products I use are a vegan based protein shake powder (there is no whey or soy in it), a vitamin pack, a detox tea and an plant based fizzy thing that I put in water. It's meant to curb your appetite and give you a boost of energy. It reminds me of those crystal lite single packets but it tastes better and is not artificial.
So here is a typical day of what I eat:
Breakfast:
- Detox Tea: a cup in the morning right when I get up and sip while I make my "shake and eggs" (lol).
- Protein shake: there are 2 flavors chocolate and vanilla. I blend it with almond or coconut milk and will add a tablespoon of almond butter or half an avocado. I have added strawberries and blueberries. I have also added spices (nutmeg, cinnamon, allspice). I have also added spinach and kale. I make different ones all the time. I freakin' love them! My favorite is vanilla, with strawberries, almond milk and avocado. It tastes EXACTLY like strawberry quick.
- Egg whites: Last week I was starving every morning so I'd also eat 3 or 4 egg whites with a tomato and some spinach.
- Water: lots and lots of water. I usually would use a fizz stick with it. I have a 32 oz water bottle and I'd just dilute the fizz stick.
- Fruit: again if I'm hungry I'll have an apple or strawberries. I really like apples so this isn't hard.
- Protein shake: (see above). I eat at my desk or on the run so this really works for me because I can sip it. I usually have chocolate for lunch because it satisfies my sweet cravings. I also purchased two of these cups where you can mix smoothies on the go.
- Water, water, water
- Water: see above about fizz stick
- Crunchy: I have been eating raw vegetables with hummus. My favorite hummus is roasted pepper.
- I do plan to put up my dinner recipes but here is a list of some of the dinners I have made the past week or so:
- Eggplant Curry
- Grilled turkey and lemon garlic broccoli
- Turkey Chili
- Scallop Ceviche with gluten free tortillas chips (I made these by buying a pack of gluten free tortillas and then cutting them in wedges spraying them in a coconut oil version of Pam and salt)
- Mexican Creamy Roasted Tomato Soup (again I made baked tortilla strips from brown rice tortillas and used added corn while roasting tomatoes to make it creamy)
- Zucchini Pancakes (again made GF by using brown rice flour)
- Detox Tea: definitely the hardest part. I love having ice cream or some kind of dessert while I lounge in front of the TV.
On that note, I am off to lounge in front of the TV and enjoy my cup of detox tea.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Day 6, 7, and 8 - the weekend and week 1 results
It has been a surprisingly busy few days but I am very pleased that I am down 6 pounds in week 1 of my cleanse.
While I am pleased, I'm also disappointed. Not in the weight loss but in myself. When I went to the doctor a few months ago for my yearly physical I weighed in at my present weight. How could I have let myself gain 6 lbs in a couple months? I'm angry at myself for the way I have mistreated my body. I guess the flip side of the anger is that it is motivating me to keep going. I have always known that anger is the most motivating emotion for true change. Most people tend to be destructive to themselves or others with anger but channeling your anger for some higher purpose is how change really happens. With that said I am going to channel my anger about gaining/losing 6 lbs to work harder to improve my health.
Last night, I went on a date with my husband. We seldom get out as sometimes the price of babysitting can be more than a night out but we did babysitting exchange with a friend so that we could each get a date night. A typical date night for me and my husband would involve going out to dinner and having several drinks. We decided that in order for me to be successful on my cleanse we needed to redefine our date night activities so we went on a 2 hour sunset cruise that set out from the harbor of our quaint New England town. It was so nice to be out on the ocean, enjoying the sunset, the warm breeze, the sounds of island music on the speakers. While this was not a booze cruise there was a bar on board with a drink list of lots of fruity rum cocktails. I REALLY wanted a drink. This was absolutely the perfect setting for a rum runner but I stayed strong and ordered a seltzer with a tiny splash of cranberry and a wedge of lime.
When we got back to the dock, I was pretty proud of myself that I had stuck to my cleanse. As it was still early we decided to stop at a cafe before heading home. I actually was really hungry. It had been a long day and I'm typically not out past 8pm on any given night. My anxiety about what to order was in overdrive on the walk to the cafe. My thoughts raced with "I can just have one drink...maybe a glass of wine....I'll eat a salad (I hate salad)" As I attempted to rationalize straying from the cleanse, I took a lot of deep breaths. When the waitress arrived with our menus, I looked over my options and decided on a pot of roobios tea and arugula tossed in olive oil and lemon wrapped in smoked salmon - all acceptable edible items on my cleanse. The only thing that was not on the cleanse was eating after 7pm....so shoot me - I was on a date.
If this had been pre-cleanse I would have had at least 2 cocktails on the sunset cruise, at least 2 glasses of wine at the cafe, and definitely dessert.
Today is the start of week 2 and today was an emotionally challenging day. I had several urges to eat my emotions away or stuff them away but didn't. I have a feeling this is going to be a stressful week as weight loss is not the only change I'm contemplating making in my life right now. I've got my meal plan though and ironically the meal plan feels like an anchor holding me steady on the cleanse.
While I am pleased, I'm also disappointed. Not in the weight loss but in myself. When I went to the doctor a few months ago for my yearly physical I weighed in at my present weight. How could I have let myself gain 6 lbs in a couple months? I'm angry at myself for the way I have mistreated my body. I guess the flip side of the anger is that it is motivating me to keep going. I have always known that anger is the most motivating emotion for true change. Most people tend to be destructive to themselves or others with anger but channeling your anger for some higher purpose is how change really happens. With that said I am going to channel my anger about gaining/losing 6 lbs to work harder to improve my health.
Last night, I went on a date with my husband. We seldom get out as sometimes the price of babysitting can be more than a night out but we did babysitting exchange with a friend so that we could each get a date night. A typical date night for me and my husband would involve going out to dinner and having several drinks. We decided that in order for me to be successful on my cleanse we needed to redefine our date night activities so we went on a 2 hour sunset cruise that set out from the harbor of our quaint New England town. It was so nice to be out on the ocean, enjoying the sunset, the warm breeze, the sounds of island music on the speakers. While this was not a booze cruise there was a bar on board with a drink list of lots of fruity rum cocktails. I REALLY wanted a drink. This was absolutely the perfect setting for a rum runner but I stayed strong and ordered a seltzer with a tiny splash of cranberry and a wedge of lime.
When we got back to the dock, I was pretty proud of myself that I had stuck to my cleanse. As it was still early we decided to stop at a cafe before heading home. I actually was really hungry. It had been a long day and I'm typically not out past 8pm on any given night. My anxiety about what to order was in overdrive on the walk to the cafe. My thoughts raced with "I can just have one drink...maybe a glass of wine....I'll eat a salad (I hate salad)" As I attempted to rationalize straying from the cleanse, I took a lot of deep breaths. When the waitress arrived with our menus, I looked over my options and decided on a pot of roobios tea and arugula tossed in olive oil and lemon wrapped in smoked salmon - all acceptable edible items on my cleanse. The only thing that was not on the cleanse was eating after 7pm....so shoot me - I was on a date.
If this had been pre-cleanse I would have had at least 2 cocktails on the sunset cruise, at least 2 glasses of wine at the cafe, and definitely dessert.
Today is the start of week 2 and today was an emotionally challenging day. I had several urges to eat my emotions away or stuff them away but didn't. I have a feeling this is going to be a stressful week as weight loss is not the only change I'm contemplating making in my life right now. I've got my meal plan though and ironically the meal plan feels like an anchor holding me steady on the cleanse.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Day 5: Making the most of a Friday Night without Alcohol
On a typical Friday night I'm at home with my son and my husband. I'll make dinner. Get 'A' ready for bed, watch repeats of Storage Wars and enjoy a glass or two (or three) of wine. Tonight was not much different except for the wine.
One of the things that I have come to realize this week is how much I drink in the evening. I will have a glass of wine with dinner (again or 2 or 3). I'll make mojitos. I might even get some hard cider. I have not drank at all this week. As I write this blog, I am enjoying a cup of detox tea...ahhh (ha-ha).
I spent the whole day at home washing multiple loads of laundry (that still need to be folded) and prepping for my psychology courses that start up in 2 weeks however I felt this edgy melancholy all day because what's a Friday night without a glass of wine? I know that this detox is not forever (25 more days to go but who's counting??) but its clear that I have to change my relationship not only to food but drink.
I actually could have gone to an art opening tonight. I really wanted to go but I was scared. How could I possibly go to an art opening and NOT have a glass of wine? Furthermore how could I turn down a glass of wine if someone were to say "aren't you going to have a glass of wine?" I hate disappointing people...strike that...I hate "feeling like" I'm disappointing people. I know this is one of my major cognitive distortions and probably a distortion others experience too.
I'm referring to the expectations I imagine others have of me. I know these expectations are all in my head but the feeling of guilt and disappointment that I associate with these expectations is SO huge that I'd rather live up to them than take a chance on what would happen if I did something unexpected or in this case make healthier choices.
I can only take this detox one day at a time but I am already wondering what happens on Day 31? Can I keep it up? Can I make better choices AND indulge in an occasional glass of wine or a tasty dessert without over-indulging?
I did stick to my meal plan - although for dinner I had just written "fish." I thought about what I did have in my produce stocks - tomatoes, cucumbers, avocados so I decided I wanted to make ceviche. This was not one of the recipes in my booklet but I thought I do a bit of improvising with ingredients I knew I could eat. I noticed shrimp was listed as an okay food but I don't really care for shrimp so I did some Internet searching and found that scallops and shrimp are almost identical nutritionally. I asked my husband picked up some fresh sea scallops on his way home for work.
Then I thought 'but I love having tortilla chips with ceviche but that is most definitely not on the detox. I then consulted the Simply Fit Kitchen Facebook page for some cooking tips on the Arbonne cleanse and so that she had made some tortilla strips from rice tortillas. I went to Whole Foods as I needed cilantro and found gluten free tortillas. I cut them into wedges, seasoned with salt and baked them in the oven at 400 degrees for 10-15 minutes.
I started the ceviche a little late so the marinating took longer than expected which left me eating after 7pm (another no-no on the detox) and munching on chips because by 6:40pm I was STARVING and quite frankly sick of raw vegetables and I had already had an apple, a nectarine and 2 protein shakes for the day. Alright I also eat one of my son's fish sticks. It was the Dr. Praeger's brand so I think I deserve a pass.
Overall I'd call Day 5 successful even if I splurged on a fish stick.
One of the things that I have come to realize this week is how much I drink in the evening. I will have a glass of wine with dinner (again or 2 or 3). I'll make mojitos. I might even get some hard cider. I have not drank at all this week. As I write this blog, I am enjoying a cup of detox tea...ahhh (ha-ha).
I spent the whole day at home washing multiple loads of laundry (that still need to be folded) and prepping for my psychology courses that start up in 2 weeks however I felt this edgy melancholy all day because what's a Friday night without a glass of wine? I know that this detox is not forever (25 more days to go but who's counting??) but its clear that I have to change my relationship not only to food but drink.
I actually could have gone to an art opening tonight. I really wanted to go but I was scared. How could I possibly go to an art opening and NOT have a glass of wine? Furthermore how could I turn down a glass of wine if someone were to say "aren't you going to have a glass of wine?" I hate disappointing people...strike that...I hate "feeling like" I'm disappointing people. I know this is one of my major cognitive distortions and probably a distortion others experience too.
I'm referring to the expectations I imagine others have of me. I know these expectations are all in my head but the feeling of guilt and disappointment that I associate with these expectations is SO huge that I'd rather live up to them than take a chance on what would happen if I did something unexpected or in this case make healthier choices.
I can only take this detox one day at a time but I am already wondering what happens on Day 31? Can I keep it up? Can I make better choices AND indulge in an occasional glass of wine or a tasty dessert without over-indulging?
I did stick to my meal plan - although for dinner I had just written "fish." I thought about what I did have in my produce stocks - tomatoes, cucumbers, avocados so I decided I wanted to make ceviche. This was not one of the recipes in my booklet but I thought I do a bit of improvising with ingredients I knew I could eat. I noticed shrimp was listed as an okay food but I don't really care for shrimp so I did some Internet searching and found that scallops and shrimp are almost identical nutritionally. I asked my husband picked up some fresh sea scallops on his way home for work.
Then I thought 'but I love having tortilla chips with ceviche but that is most definitely not on the detox. I then consulted the Simply Fit Kitchen Facebook page for some cooking tips on the Arbonne cleanse and so that she had made some tortilla strips from rice tortillas. I went to Whole Foods as I needed cilantro and found gluten free tortillas. I cut them into wedges, seasoned with salt and baked them in the oven at 400 degrees for 10-15 minutes.
I started the ceviche a little late so the marinating took longer than expected which left me eating after 7pm (another no-no on the detox) and munching on chips because by 6:40pm I was STARVING and quite frankly sick of raw vegetables and I had already had an apple, a nectarine and 2 protein shakes for the day. Alright I also eat one of my son's fish sticks. It was the Dr. Praeger's brand so I think I deserve a pass.
Overall I'd call Day 5 successful even if I splurged on a fish stick.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Day 4: Creating in the Kitchen
Following the cleanse is going well. I am being vigilant about making my shakes and packing healthy snacks for when I'm out and about. I'm worried that I'm going to get bored with the routine though. How can I spice it up? Pun intended.
Today my son and I went to our favorite farm to pick cherry tomatoes before hitting the beach. We also picked up our weekly fruit and vegetable share from the farm co-op we belong to. When I made my meal plan on Sunday, my intention was to make turkey chili with a leftover turkey tenderloin we grilled last night and I also had a lot of fantastic vegetables to now include from today's pick 'ins.
I love to cook. I learned to cook growing up watching my grandmother. When I was in college I commuted from home. My grandmother's mobility was slowly decreasing due to bad knees and she could no longer stand up well enough in the kitchen to prep and cook. I took over preparing family meals for me, my grandmother and my mother.
Over the years my love for food and making creative dishes has just increased...along with my waistline. In the past year, I have especially been trying to make more vegetable and protein based dinners. I think the added challenge of this cleanse (no dairy, no gluten, no soy, no refined sugar, no alcohol) is going to have me being even more creative in the kitchen.
Like tonight I made my turkey chili. I did follow a recipe but altered it along the way. It is not uncommon for me to improvise in the kitchen. I have a pretty developed sense of what ingredients go together, how to select herbs and spices that compliment those ingredients, and can easily eyeball spoonfuls of seasonings. Turkey chili was made with leeks, garlic, chunks of lean turkey meat, black eyed peas, mild hot peppers, zucchini, a can of crushed tomatoes, and lots of spices and herbs. While my chili was simmering, I decided to make a soup.
In addition to my usual share, I requested a bulk order of 20 lbs of second tomatoes. I decided to roast the tomatoes to make a the soup. I also received red onions from the share, a jalapeno pepper, garlic, tomatillos, and corn. I roasted it all together with EVOO. I love creamy tomato soup but "creamy" is not on the cleanse at least not in usual way of making tomato soup creamy so I added the corn. I thought the corn would add that sweetness and thickness. I might even puree a bean in there for a creamier texture.
As I continue on with this blog I think I am going to add a tab of recipes that I make while I am following the cleanse. Stay tuned.
Today my son and I went to our favorite farm to pick cherry tomatoes before hitting the beach. We also picked up our weekly fruit and vegetable share from the farm co-op we belong to. When I made my meal plan on Sunday, my intention was to make turkey chili with a leftover turkey tenderloin we grilled last night and I also had a lot of fantastic vegetables to now include from today's pick 'ins.
I love to cook. I learned to cook growing up watching my grandmother. When I was in college I commuted from home. My grandmother's mobility was slowly decreasing due to bad knees and she could no longer stand up well enough in the kitchen to prep and cook. I took over preparing family meals for me, my grandmother and my mother.
Over the years my love for food and making creative dishes has just increased...along with my waistline. In the past year, I have especially been trying to make more vegetable and protein based dinners. I think the added challenge of this cleanse (no dairy, no gluten, no soy, no refined sugar, no alcohol) is going to have me being even more creative in the kitchen.
Like tonight I made my turkey chili. I did follow a recipe but altered it along the way. It is not uncommon for me to improvise in the kitchen. I have a pretty developed sense of what ingredients go together, how to select herbs and spices that compliment those ingredients, and can easily eyeball spoonfuls of seasonings. Turkey chili was made with leeks, garlic, chunks of lean turkey meat, black eyed peas, mild hot peppers, zucchini, a can of crushed tomatoes, and lots of spices and herbs. While my chili was simmering, I decided to make a soup.
In addition to my usual share, I requested a bulk order of 20 lbs of second tomatoes. I decided to roast the tomatoes to make a the soup. I also received red onions from the share, a jalapeno pepper, garlic, tomatillos, and corn. I roasted it all together with EVOO. I love creamy tomato soup but "creamy" is not on the cleanse at least not in usual way of making tomato soup creamy so I added the corn. I thought the corn would add that sweetness and thickness. I might even puree a bean in there for a creamier texture.
As I continue on with this blog I think I am going to add a tab of recipes that I make while I am following the cleanse. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Day 3: Bedtime Grumblings
I wish I were referring to an overtired toddler fighting sleep but no I am referring to my stomach!
Bedtime is a process in our house...no different than other homes. There is the usual cranky chorus of "NO's" to tubby, teeth brushing, jammies but the hardest part is that my son requires you to lay down next time until he falls asleep. I wish he was one of those kids who could go to bed and fall asleep. He does take a decent nap once a day so I'll take what I can and I do love the snuggle time. It's right at my witching hour when my stomach starts to growl and want that after dinner snack.
Last night when it happened I just waited till I had to pee walked to the bathroom brushed my teeth and went to bed instead of going downstairs to face the fridge. Tonight I decided to face my fear. I made a cup of detox tea which I sipped slowly. It's gone now. I'm watching my favorite Sunday shows that I recorded and am writing this post. I need to make a list of things I can do after 7pm instead of eat.
Bedtime is a process in our house...no different than other homes. There is the usual cranky chorus of "NO's" to tubby, teeth brushing, jammies but the hardest part is that my son requires you to lay down next time until he falls asleep. I wish he was one of those kids who could go to bed and fall asleep. He does take a decent nap once a day so I'll take what I can and I do love the snuggle time. It's right at my witching hour when my stomach starts to growl and want that after dinner snack.
Last night when it happened I just waited till I had to pee walked to the bathroom brushed my teeth and went to bed instead of going downstairs to face the fridge. Tonight I decided to face my fear. I made a cup of detox tea which I sipped slowly. It's gone now. I'm watching my favorite Sunday shows that I recorded and am writing this post. I need to make a list of things I can do after 7pm instead of eat.
Day 2: Food Mourning
My son and I went on the road on Day 2 as we were headed to a beach an hour away to be with some friends. I got on the road later than anticipated. I spent the morning cutting vegetables, packing snacks for myself (and my son), preparing a lunchtime shake, a thermos full of water and of course the usual stuff when you hit the beach with a 3 year...swim diapers, extra diapers, extra clothes, sand toys, chairs, etc.
We had a great day. My anxiety about frequent trips to the bathroom was quelled by my anxiety so I just didn't drink a lot of water. I experienced very little hunger and made it through the day. My son was in a super cooperative mood and played on the beach until 3:30pm without a nap and in a fabulously cheerful mood.
The drive home was peaceful as my son was unconscious as soon as I pulled out of the driveway of my friend's summer rental but as I drove down Route 1 through the coastal towns of Maine, I started to experience a feeling of sadness as I drove past what seemed like hundreds of restaurants, lobster shacks, ice cream shops, bakeries, and gourmet shops. My mind would begin to daydream about another road trip with my son and my husband back toMaine
I LOVE eating out. I am a Foodie. I love a superb glass of wine and a well prepared meal especially one with local ingredients and creative preparation. I love cocktails and have perfected the art of making outstanding mojitos with agave nectar. How could I possibly go away and eat? How could I just go out to dinner in my hometown? I started to get really sad and angry about the possibility of never being able to enjoy a meal out again.
I can certainly be a catastrophizer in the thought department as I imagined a life without eating or drinking out. I was just so sad watching these lovely little restaurants whiz by and thinking, "Can I really do this?"
Grief isn't called a process for nothing. There are stages one goes through when they experience a loss of a loved one. I have been in denial for a very long time. I buy the right ingredients but I don't eat well. Portion control and I have never been friends. The reason you grieve the loss of a loved one is that you need to create a life for yourself without that person. You can live without that person. It's not the same life. The memory of that person will always be present but you need to accommodate their vacancy and make changes to the way you do things day in and day out.
On the ride home from the beach all I could think about was how I needed to allow myself to move out of denial and into another stage of grief. The 5 stages of grief according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are (1) denial, (2) anger (3) bargaining (4) depression (5) acceptance. I'm not sure what stage I am exactly headed for and before I do I wish I could have a better understanding of my denial and what am I grieving exactly?
Is it the loss of food? I know its something more emotional than that because I will always be able to eat. I have always been an emotional eater. But what is it that I was longing for when I drove past all those restaurants? Could it be that I'm afraid that I will not be able to enjoy myself if I don't have something rich and decadent or creamy and savory? Where is the authentic deprivation in my life? How do I fill the void that I think only food can fill? When it comes to alcohol, I know that I have often linked socializing with having a few drinks. I also know that I am a socially anxious person who can fake it with the best of 'em. What will quench this emotional thirst I have?
I can no longer deny that I have been using food and drink to fill an emotional void in my life. It will not be easy to pass up an invitation to go out to dinner or grab a drink with friends or on those nights when I'm just too tired to cook to find the will to say "no" to take out. I have never thought of myself as having a food addiction but I wouldn't rule it out either. For now, I need to be careful with myself on this cleanse and stick to the plan.
We had a great day. My anxiety about frequent trips to the bathroom was quelled by my anxiety so I just didn't drink a lot of water. I experienced very little hunger and made it through the day. My son was in a super cooperative mood and played on the beach until 3:30pm without a nap and in a fabulously cheerful mood.
The drive home was peaceful as my son was unconscious as soon as I pulled out of the driveway of my friend's summer rental but as I drove down Route 1 through the coastal towns of Maine, I started to experience a feeling of sadness as I drove past what seemed like hundreds of restaurants, lobster shacks, ice cream shops, bakeries, and gourmet shops. My mind would begin to daydream about another road trip with my son and my husband back to
I LOVE eating out. I am a Foodie. I love a superb glass of wine and a well prepared meal especially one with local ingredients and creative preparation. I love cocktails and have perfected the art of making outstanding mojitos with agave nectar. How could I possibly go away and eat? How could I just go out to dinner in my hometown? I started to get really sad and angry about the possibility of never being able to enjoy a meal out again.
I can certainly be a catastrophizer in the thought department as I imagined a life without eating or drinking out. I was just so sad watching these lovely little restaurants whiz by and thinking, "Can I really do this?"
Grief isn't called a process for nothing. There are stages one goes through when they experience a loss of a loved one. I have been in denial for a very long time. I buy the right ingredients but I don't eat well. Portion control and I have never been friends. The reason you grieve the loss of a loved one is that you need to create a life for yourself without that person. You can live without that person. It's not the same life. The memory of that person will always be present but you need to accommodate their vacancy and make changes to the way you do things day in and day out.
On the ride home from the beach all I could think about was how I needed to allow myself to move out of denial and into another stage of grief. The 5 stages of grief according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are (1) denial, (2) anger (3) bargaining (4) depression (5) acceptance. I'm not sure what stage I am exactly headed for and before I do I wish I could have a better understanding of my denial and what am I grieving exactly?
Is it the loss of food? I know its something more emotional than that because I will always be able to eat. I have always been an emotional eater. But what is it that I was longing for when I drove past all those restaurants? Could it be that I'm afraid that I will not be able to enjoy myself if I don't have something rich and decadent or creamy and savory? Where is the authentic deprivation in my life? How do I fill the void that I think only food can fill? When it comes to alcohol, I know that I have often linked socializing with having a few drinks. I also know that I am a socially anxious person who can fake it with the best of 'em. What will quench this emotional thirst I have?
I can no longer deny that I have been using food and drink to fill an emotional void in my life. It will not be easy to pass up an invitation to go out to dinner or grab a drink with friends or on those nights when I'm just too tired to cook to find the will to say "no" to take out. I have never thought of myself as having a food addiction but I wouldn't rule it out either. For now, I need to be careful with myself on this cleanse and stick to the plan.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Day 1: Exercise for the day = 20+ trips to the bathroom
I would call day 1 a success. I kept to my meal plan that included 2 shakes, 2 egg whites with a tomato, an apple, small bag of snap peas, 6 almonds, 2 cups of detox tea, and a dinner of Moroccan eggplant over brown rice. On top of that I must have drank at least 64+ ounces of water. All of this equalled 4 trips an hour to the bathroom! I'm contemplating putting one of my son's potty training pads on my bed because the thought of no sleep from being in the bathroom all night or wetting the bed is way too disturbing to imagine.
I found the plan easy to follow however I had this looming sense of skepticism hovering over me all day. Can I do this? Can I stick to this? I really want to say with whole hearted confidence, "YES! I am going to do this!!" I cannot muster that much optimism. I made it through today. I can go to sleep tonight and breathe a sigh of relief that I did it...today and I will do my best to do it tomorrow.
I am going on a day trip tomorrow with my son. I plan on being prepared. I will pack cut vegetables, low glycemic fruit, lots of water and my lunch shake. I will eat a filling breakfast. I will put my husband on dinner duty because we'll be home late. I will enjoy playing with my son on the beach and collect shells. I think the thing I'm most worried about is the lack of bathroom facilities on the beach we will be on. I'm not above peeing in the ocean if necessary...yeah that's right I said it but I will be in Maine and that water is COLD! I guess I will be taking a lot of looong walks back to my friend's house to use the bathroom. I never thought I'd get this much exercise on a detox without actually exercising!
I found the plan easy to follow however I had this looming sense of skepticism hovering over me all day. Can I do this? Can I stick to this? I really want to say with whole hearted confidence, "YES! I am going to do this!!" I cannot muster that much optimism. I made it through today. I can go to sleep tonight and breathe a sigh of relief that I did it...today and I will do my best to do it tomorrow.
I am going on a day trip tomorrow with my son. I plan on being prepared. I will pack cut vegetables, low glycemic fruit, lots of water and my lunch shake. I will eat a filling breakfast. I will put my husband on dinner duty because we'll be home late. I will enjoy playing with my son on the beach and collect shells. I think the thing I'm most worried about is the lack of bathroom facilities on the beach we will be on. I'm not above peeing in the ocean if necessary...yeah that's right I said it but I will be in Maine and that water is COLD! I guess I will be taking a lot of looong walks back to my friend's house to use the bathroom. I never thought I'd get this much exercise on a detox without actually exercising!
What is "The Mommy Cleanse"?
No this is not some new fad diet or the musings of a woman trying to detox from motherhood...at least not yet.
I decided to blog to keep myself accountable as I start a 30 day cleanse program today. I have struggled with my weight since college. Over the years my weight has slowly crept up and up. I have tried numerous diets Weight Watchers, Sonoma, Eat Clean, Atkins and of course the ever popular binging and purging. Nothing has worked. When I got pregnant with my son (who is now 3.5), I was at my heaviest of 180 lbs. at 40 weeks pregnant I was 215lbs. Three and a half years later I am just under 200 pounds. The lowest I was able to get down to in the past 2 years was 187 lbs.
Up until now I have told myself, "I don't need to diet, I'll just change the way I eat." I buy organic foods, belong to a farm CSA, stay away from soda, blah, blah blah but I still continue to gain weight and make poor food choices. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate needing to buy new clothes in larger sizes - I also hate that a size 14 is sometimes too small and a 1X is too big. Despite all this drudgery, I cannot seem to stop myself from going to the coffee shop every morning to "just get coffee" and walk out with a coffe and a baked good. On those days I just don't give a shit.
Now let me tell you why I don't give a shit - because I'm tired. Literally and figuratively. Yes I am a mother but I am also a therapist, a professor, a wife, a friend, an artist, an art teacher, a damn good cook (hense weight problem), an organizer, a daughter, a therapy consumer (that probably goes without saying), an overachiever (also implicit) and now a blog writer AND (this is new to the list) "a dieter."
I hate the D word. It truly is dirty. It makes me feel like a hopeless failure and I am anything but. As I mentioned I am an avid therapy consumer and I have been working on my confidence and self-esteem for decades and I finally feel comfortable admitting my successes. The weight isn't even about how I look...okay that was a total bullshit statement. Yes I hate the way I look but more than that I hate how lethargic I feel. I hate that every morning I feel hungover even when I haven't had any cocktails the night before. I hate that my cholesterol and sugar levels and triglycerides are off the charts. I hate that I truly want to have a second baby and am terrified of how much weight I might gain. I'm also 38 years old and that as each day passes my baby window gets smaller and smaller and my ability to lose weight gets harder and harder.
I went to an Arbonne party a few weeks ago and listened to a presentation on health and wellness. Some of the information on health and nutrition was not new to me but the eye opener for me was realizing the damage I am doing to my body. Historically, my maternal lineage is known for living long lives but lives riddled with health issues like obesity, hypertension, diabetes, cancer, joint and bone damage. I don't want to end up tha way. Even if I never have another child I want to enjoy the time I have with my son and any future grandchildren.
This brings us to the present as I start my Arbonne 30 day cleanse. The goal of the program is not weight loss. Although it is one of the perks. The goal is ridding the body of toxins, eating clean, identifying allergens, and improving overall body function. I did a lot of prepping this weekend. I have all my Arbonne products (vegan protein powder, supplements, recipes). I prepared a meal plan for the week. If you knew me you'd know I'm not someone who is that prepared. I went shopping for my supplies for said meal plan and I set up this blog to keep myself accountable and maybe receive some encouragement or sympathy from other women out there who struggle with their weight, who are tired of trying to diet but desperately want to be healthy.
I welcome comments, feedback, stories, recipes, advice from the blogging community. I am uncertain of the outcome of this 30 day plan. I am often skeptical of my ability to see things through, well, at least things for myslef. I follow through on things for other people all the time but I have trouble putting my own health needs first. I'm hoping to explore that too. I guess this blog will be more than just about logging my progress following the 30 day cleanse but maybe it's also about cleansing the toxic thoughts I have about myself and the impact that toxicity has on me mentally and emotionally.
I decided to blog to keep myself accountable as I start a 30 day cleanse program today. I have struggled with my weight since college. Over the years my weight has slowly crept up and up. I have tried numerous diets Weight Watchers, Sonoma, Eat Clean, Atkins and of course the ever popular binging and purging. Nothing has worked. When I got pregnant with my son (who is now 3.5), I was at my heaviest of 180 lbs. at 40 weeks pregnant I was 215lbs. Three and a half years later I am just under 200 pounds. The lowest I was able to get down to in the past 2 years was 187 lbs.
Up until now I have told myself, "I don't need to diet, I'll just change the way I eat." I buy organic foods, belong to a farm CSA, stay away from soda, blah, blah blah but I still continue to gain weight and make poor food choices. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate needing to buy new clothes in larger sizes - I also hate that a size 14 is sometimes too small and a 1X is too big. Despite all this drudgery, I cannot seem to stop myself from going to the coffee shop every morning to "just get coffee" and walk out with a coffe and a baked good. On those days I just don't give a shit.
Now let me tell you why I don't give a shit - because I'm tired. Literally and figuratively. Yes I am a mother but I am also a therapist, a professor, a wife, a friend, an artist, an art teacher, a damn good cook (hense weight problem), an organizer, a daughter, a therapy consumer (that probably goes without saying), an overachiever (also implicit) and now a blog writer AND (this is new to the list) "a dieter."
I hate the D word. It truly is dirty. It makes me feel like a hopeless failure and I am anything but. As I mentioned I am an avid therapy consumer and I have been working on my confidence and self-esteem for decades and I finally feel comfortable admitting my successes. The weight isn't even about how I look...okay that was a total bullshit statement. Yes I hate the way I look but more than that I hate how lethargic I feel. I hate that every morning I feel hungover even when I haven't had any cocktails the night before. I hate that my cholesterol and sugar levels and triglycerides are off the charts. I hate that I truly want to have a second baby and am terrified of how much weight I might gain. I'm also 38 years old and that as each day passes my baby window gets smaller and smaller and my ability to lose weight gets harder and harder.
I went to an Arbonne party a few weeks ago and listened to a presentation on health and wellness. Some of the information on health and nutrition was not new to me but the eye opener for me was realizing the damage I am doing to my body. Historically, my maternal lineage is known for living long lives but lives riddled with health issues like obesity, hypertension, diabetes, cancer, joint and bone damage. I don't want to end up tha way. Even if I never have another child I want to enjoy the time I have with my son and any future grandchildren.
This brings us to the present as I start my Arbonne 30 day cleanse. The goal of the program is not weight loss. Although it is one of the perks. The goal is ridding the body of toxins, eating clean, identifying allergens, and improving overall body function. I did a lot of prepping this weekend. I have all my Arbonne products (vegan protein powder, supplements, recipes). I prepared a meal plan for the week. If you knew me you'd know I'm not someone who is that prepared. I went shopping for my supplies for said meal plan and I set up this blog to keep myself accountable and maybe receive some encouragement or sympathy from other women out there who struggle with their weight, who are tired of trying to diet but desperately want to be healthy.
I welcome comments, feedback, stories, recipes, advice from the blogging community. I am uncertain of the outcome of this 30 day plan. I am often skeptical of my ability to see things through, well, at least things for myslef. I follow through on things for other people all the time but I have trouble putting my own health needs first. I'm hoping to explore that too. I guess this blog will be more than just about logging my progress following the 30 day cleanse but maybe it's also about cleansing the toxic thoughts I have about myself and the impact that toxicity has on me mentally and emotionally.
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