I wish I could have made this post several days ago but I have been pretty busy since completing my 30 day cleanse. I also apologize in advance for its length. I hope you will read through to the end. The juicy stuff is at the end...
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for seeing the cleanse through till the end. I often think of myself as someone who has really great ideas and intentions for beginning projects. If I were a baseball pitcher I'd make a helluva opener but a lousy closer. Along the way I typically lose steam and give in to whatever temptation crosses my path. I didn't do that this time. I stayed the course of my 30 day cleanse and followed it faithfully. My fidelity led me to lose 16lbs in 30 days.
On my final 30 day weigh in, I was stunned. When I started this cleanse I was 196lbs and 30 days later I was 180lbs. My current weight is 183lbs...but more about that later. 180lbs was my pre-pregnancy weight. To be honest, I had lost faith that I would ever see pre-pregnancy weight. Now I'm wondering can I get down to my wedding weight 154lbs.
I'm going to move ahead to why I currently weight 183lbs. Two days after I finished my cleanse, I woke up at 4:30am to get dressed and out the door to catch a 7am ferry to Long Island to attend a weekend wedding in Montauk. I have expressed my anxiety about this wedding in a previous post and Thursday night my anxiety was not lessened but I did spend a considerable amount of time prepping food for my journey such as healthy snacks, preparing a shake the night before to sip on the car ride down to the ferry. I packed my blender, my protein powder, detox tea, and fizz sticks. I felt confident I could get through the weekend staying on track.
When we arrived in the Hamptons, it was a normal breakfast hour 9:30am and we were all famished. Yelp is by far the greatest invention as I was able to search for "organic food" and find a selection of local eateries where I could eat whole foods. I did indulge in my first cup of coffee in 30 days but my meal was a vegan hash of spinach, mushrooms, and onions with egg whites over brown rice. The food was delicious as well as the coffee but I had my first almost slip up when I started to take a gulp of my coffee wanting to finish it and have a second cup. I was able to put the breaks on that thought and tell myself "no second cup...you will sip this coffee and savor it."
I had more positive moments on Friday and Saturday. On Friday night I went to the rehearsal dinner which was under a tent on a lovely grassy spot overlooking a glassy pond and as the sun set I sipped my first glass of wine in over 30 days. I should explain that now that I'm no longer on the cleanse I can start "introducing" foods and beverage to see how my body reacts.
I enjoyed myself. I certainly ate foods that I shouldn't be eating but there was so much excellent food at thewedding events however I did make smart choices for breakfast and lunch on Saturday so I could enjoy myself at the wedding. I even had a piece of wedding cake and I savored every bite. It was worth it. I remember thinking on my last bite "okay this is the last bite of cake you will have in awhile."
Sunday though was an entirely different story. I feel back into my old food ways. I ate a lot of stuff that I refuse to mention...let's just say it was bad...pizza bad. I was actually hoping my body would have some apocalyptic meltdown so I would just develop a food aversion but unfortunately nothing happened physically except a 3lb gain.
I am not going to lash myself for falling off the wagon. I got back on today. I had a shake for breakfast. I made a healthy lunch and dinner. I'm enjoying my detox tea right now. Tomorrow I'm going back to boot camp.
What I noticed on Sunday was a terrible feeling of deprivation and resentment oozing through my body. My son was incredibly cranky and with good reason as his entire schedule had been completely thrown off in a couple of days due to early mornings and late nights. He was in heaven though as he got to spend the weekend with his cousins. I knew this was going to happen but I had never been to the Hamptons and wanted to spend Sunday leisurely heading back to our ferry to see the sites. My son was exhausted, unreasonable, and clingy. These traits don't leave room for leisurely anything.
Silly me decided that since he had fallen asleep in the car that 45 minutes would make a sufficient power nap so we could go to a harbor street festival. I just don't learn. I was so desperate for a vacation moment in the Hamptons but all I did was feel defeated. There was this one moment when my son decided he wanted to sit in the dust at the curb of a parking spot and put fistfuls of it in his truck. Now I am a mom who typically doesn't care about her kid getting dirty but I draw the line at curb dust. After he scooped it up multiple times and after I have said "NO yucky" multiple times, I slapped his hand. It wasn't a slap but a "stop it" tap on the back of his hand. Well my son loses it. I am sitting on a curb. My husband in a porta john. My son sitting in curb dust and I just want to float away but instead I just sit there say nothing...do nothing hoping this moment will just stop.
In my head I'm feeling tense as fellow festival goers stare at me. All I can think is I am a terrible mother. My son is crying and I'm just sitting there staring out into space. Of course some woman starts to walk towards me and my son. I immediately want her to rethink what she's about to do and walk past me but she doesn't. She tries to engage my son "who's truck is that?" He just cries louder which I knew would happen. Although she is probably doing this because she think I'm a bad mother for not consoling my son, he actually hates being consoled and gets more upset. As his mother, I knew this.
I am staring at her with a death stare and a clenched jaw and she keeps talking to him and I say nothing. In my head, I'm just wishing her away. It doesn't work. I cannot think of anything to say except "get the fuck away from me" but I don't want to make her think I am any worse of a mom than I already feel. It isn't until my husband gets back from the john and takes over that I start to think of things I could have said such as "I understand you are trying to be helpful but I find what you're doing right now really irritating." It still doesn't sound polite enough. What kills me is why I think I need to be polite to this woman.
I walk back to the car with my husband and my son. My son is upset. My husband is trying to be a peace maker and I feel like a giant asshole for being upset with my son because its not the curb dust incident that's bothering me, its that I feel like his behavior is ruining my Sunday Hamptons outing. I am finally able to name my feeling because I kept eating and drinking my face off at any available moment.
I was feeling deprived.
I am secretly envious and resentful of my friends who go out on regular dates or get to go away for a few days or an entire week without their kid(s). I try to create those moments with my son and they always fail. I set my expectations too high. I hate to complain because I am really satisfied with my lifestyle but I do wish my husband and I had a little more disposable income. I would love to have a date night once a week or be able to look forward to a weekend getaway once a year but its not in our budget. This is why I have always consoled myself with food. Food can be rich and decadent and has allowed me to escape those moments of frustrated defeat.
Even though I completed the 30 day cleanse, I plan to keep it up as well as blogging about my experience as I know that my toxic thoughts need regular cleansing.
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