Friday, August 31, 2012

Days 10-12: Adventures in Emotional Eating (and not eating)

I have really wanted to post more frequently but this has been a very busy week.  My semester starts next week and I'm teaching 3 different courses in two different colleges. Today was my son's last day at his wonderful fabulous daycare that he's been at since 5 months and next week is his first day of  pre-school. I have had an emotionally challenging week at my primary job this week that has led me to re-evaluate my priorities and explore other opportunities. On top of all this I have been trying to plan fun activities for my son on the days we are home together and keep my domicile to a minimum mess however there's a mound of dishes and glasses in the sink because I'm too tired to empty the dishwasher, I have mounds of laundry that need washing, there are so many toys strewn about my house that it looks likean obstacle course, and I have had a pesky fly bizzing around my house for days that I cannot seem to swat.

Somehow with all of the above going on, I have managed to keep up with my cleanse. All of these "to-do's" make me feel anxious, overwhelmed, insecure, depleted and worried that I am going to forget something which will eventually end with me disappointing someone or just feeling guilty. This is EXACTLY the type of emotional jumble that makes me want to eat as if food or the act of chewing will somehow make it all go away. I know that emotional eating does not help. Inevitably it just intensifies it. Ironically, food and my consumption of food this week is the only thing I don't feel anxious about. Even as I compose this post, I am sipping my detox tea.

Food is the one thing I haven't really had to worry about as I know what I can and cannot eat. I have less meals to plan. I have noticed that knowing I will have a shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch...now I sound like a Slimfast commercial but seriously...knowing those decisions are already made and that I still have some options in terms of what kind and add-ins for my shake satisfies my need for control and variety. I have even managed to eat out on a few occasions this week (once for dinner and once for lunch) and make really sound choices that fit within the cleanse clean eating guidelines.

Today I made afternoon snack for my son's final day at his daycare. I made a dark chocolate mousse. It is one of Tosca Reno's recipes and calls for silken tofu, dark chocolate chips, almond milk, and vanilla. It's super easy to make and I portioned it in 5 ounce Dixie cups. I also brought a fruit salad, cookies for the kids, and organic lite pink lemonade from Whole Foods. I had some fruit, I had a couple spoonfuls of mousse which was totally not on the cleanse but I it is freakin' delicious. I couldn't pass it up but a couple of weeks ago, I would have inhaled that sucker. I drank water with a fizz stick. I did not have a cookie.

It's Friday night of Labor Day Weekend and we are having friends over on Sunday for a cookout but my one friend is GF so that helps with menu planning. I have free range chicken to grill, lots of tomatoes, and we received lots of fresh corn from our share this week. I do feel like I earned 1 cocktail but I'll see how I feel about that as the weekend progresses.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Day 9: What exactly is this cleanse?

I received a question today from a family member asking me about the actual cleanse I am on. It made me realize that I haven't actually written about what my meal plan looks like or what supplements I am taking.

The cleanse is part of the Health and Wellness line of Arbonne called Arbonne Essentials. If you are not familiar with Arbonne they are a European company that has been around for decades. Their products are sold by individual consultants similar to I guess Avon however all of their products (cosmetics, bath and body and health and wellness) are vegan and plant-based.

The 30 day cleanse is a package of products not necessarily designed for weight loss but to rid the body of toxin build ups. It requires that for 30 days you avoid alcohol, dairy, soy, gluten, caffeine and refined sugars. Its basically an eat clean diet with added supplement to maximize your bodies ability to flush a build up of chemicals and toxins from your body. You can just select individual products or opt to do a cleanse package. Prior to doing the cleanse, I was following an eat clean diet (minus some of  the restrictions above) but without positive results. I knew that this cleanse would be a good fit for my overall health needs.

In the past several years, I have been trying very hard to buy local produce, meats, and even dairy or trying to go as close to organic as I can. This cleanse worked for me because the food you are expected to consume is supposed to be organic particularly produce and animal based protein needed to be grass fed, cage free, wild and/or free range. In terms of sugar, you can use Stevia or some other organic/natural sweetener like agave nectar, brown rice syrup, etc. All of these factors appealed to my ethics around food.

The overall goal of the cleanse is to improve the way your organs process food by eliminating toxins. At the end of 30 days you are actually supposed to slowly start introducing the foods you've avoided to detect allergens and food sensitivities.

While the Arbonne products are vegan, the cleanse is not. I eat eggs, chicken, fish turkey...I will eat beef just haven't yet but again they all need to be organic.. The products I use are a vegan based protein shake powder (there is no whey or soy in it), a vitamin pack, a detox tea and an plant based fizzy thing that I put in water. It's meant to curb your appetite and give you a boost of energy. It reminds me of those crystal lite single packets but it tastes better and is not artificial.

So here is a typical day of what I eat:

Breakfast:
  • Detox Tea: a cup in the morning right when I get up and sip while I make my "shake and eggs" (lol).
  • Protein shake: there are 2 flavors chocolate and vanilla. I blend it with almond or coconut milk and will add a tablespoon of almond butter or half an avocado. I have added strawberries and blueberries. I have also added spices (nutmeg, cinnamon, allspice). I have also added spinach and kale. I make different ones all the time. I freakin' love them! My favorite is vanilla, with strawberries, almond milk and avocado. It tastes EXACTLY like strawberry quick.
  • Egg whites: Last week I was starving every morning so I'd also eat 3 or 4 egg whites with a tomato and some spinach.
Morning Snack
  • Water: lots and lots of water. I usually would use a fizz stick with it. I have a 32 oz water bottle and I'd just dilute the fizz stick.
  • Fruit: again if I'm hungry I'll have an apple or strawberries. I really like apples so this isn't hard.
Lunch:
  • Protein shake: (see above). I eat at my desk or on the run so this really works for me because I can sip it. I usually have chocolate for lunch because it satisfies my sweet cravings. I also purchased two of these cups where you can mix smoothies on the go.
  • Water, water, water
Afternoon Snack
  • Water: see above about fizz stick
  • Crunchy: I have been eating raw vegetables with hummus. My favorite hummus is roasted pepper.
Dinner:
  • I do plan to put up my dinner recipes but here is a list of some of the dinners I have made the past week or so:
    • Eggplant Curry
    • Grilled turkey and lemon garlic broccoli
    • Turkey Chili
    • Scallop Ceviche with gluten free tortillas chips (I made these by buying a pack of gluten free tortillas and then cutting them in wedges spraying them in a coconut oil version of Pam and salt)
    • Mexican Creamy Roasted Tomato Soup (again I made baked tortilla strips from brown rice tortillas and used added corn while roasting tomatoes to make it creamy)
    • Zucchini Pancakes (again made GF by using brown rice flour)
After 7pm:
  • Detox Tea: definitely the hardest part. I love having ice cream or some kind of dessert while I lounge in front of the TV.
If you have specific questions, please don't hesitate to post them. I'm happy to answer what I can and if I can't I'll try to find an answer. This is really the only "diet" that feels satisfying to me and un-anxiety provoking. My anxiety about "what can I eat" is always the emotion that pushed me off the wagon.

On that note, I am off to lounge in front of the TV and enjoy my cup of detox tea.


Monday, August 27, 2012

Day 6, 7, and 8 - the weekend and week 1 results

It has been a surprisingly busy few days but I am very pleased that I am down 6 pounds in week 1 of my cleanse.

While I am pleased, I'm also disappointed. Not in the weight loss but in myself. When I went to the doctor a few months ago for my yearly physical I weighed in at my present weight. How could I have let myself gain 6 lbs in a couple months? I'm angry at myself for the way I have mistreated my body. I guess the flip side of the anger is that it is motivating me to keep going. I have always known that anger is the most motivating emotion for true change. Most people tend to be destructive to themselves or others with anger but channeling your anger for some higher purpose is how change really happens. With that said I am going to channel my anger about gaining/losing 6 lbs to work harder to improve my health.

Last night, I went on a date with my husband. We seldom get out as sometimes the price of babysitting can be more than a night out but we did babysitting exchange with a friend so that we could each get a date night. A typical date night for me and my husband would involve going out to dinner and having several drinks. We decided that in order for me to be successful on my cleanse we needed to redefine our date night activities so we went on a 2 hour sunset cruise that set out from the harbor of our quaint New England town. It was so nice to be out on the ocean, enjoying the sunset, the warm breeze, the sounds of island music on the speakers. While this was not a booze cruise there was a bar on board with a drink list of lots of fruity rum cocktails. I REALLY wanted a drink. This was absolutely the perfect setting for a rum runner but I stayed strong and ordered a seltzer with a tiny splash of cranberry and a wedge of lime.

When we got back to the dock, I was pretty proud of myself that I had stuck to my cleanse. As it was still early we decided to stop at a cafe before heading home. I actually was really hungry. It had been a long day and I'm typically not out past 8pm on any given night. My anxiety about what to order was in overdrive on the walk to the cafe. My thoughts raced with "I can just have one drink...maybe a glass of wine....I'll eat a salad (I hate salad)" As I attempted to rationalize straying from the cleanse, I took a lot of deep breaths. When the waitress arrived with our menus, I looked over my options and decided on a pot of roobios tea and arugula tossed in olive oil and lemon wrapped in smoked salmon -  all acceptable edible items on my cleanse. The only thing that was not on the cleanse was eating after 7pm....so shoot me - I was on a date.

If this had been pre-cleanse I would have had at least 2 cocktails on the sunset cruise, at least 2 glasses of wine at the cafe, and definitely dessert.

Today is the start of week 2 and today was an emotionally challenging day. I had several urges to eat my emotions away or stuff them away but didn't. I have a feeling this is going to be a stressful week as weight loss is not the only change I'm contemplating making in my life right now. I've got my meal plan though and ironically the meal plan feels like an anchor holding me steady on the cleanse.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Day 5: Making the most of a Friday Night without Alcohol

On a typical Friday night I'm at home with my son and my husband. I'll make dinner. Get 'A' ready for bed, watch repeats of Storage Wars and enjoy a glass or two (or three) of wine. Tonight was not much different except for the wine.

One of the things that I have come to realize this week is how much I drink in the evening. I will have a glass of wine with dinner (again or 2 or 3). I'll make mojitos. I might even get some hard cider. I have not drank at all this week. As I write this blog, I am enjoying a cup of detox tea...ahhh (ha-ha).

I spent the whole day at home washing multiple loads of laundry (that still need to be folded) and prepping for my psychology courses that start up in 2 weeks however I felt this edgy melancholy all day because what's a Friday night without a glass of wine? I know that this detox is not forever (25 more days to go but who's counting??) but its clear that I have to change my relationship not only to food but drink.

I actually could have gone to an art opening tonight. I really wanted to go but I was scared. How could I possibly go to an art opening and NOT have a glass of wine? Furthermore how could I turn down a glass of wine if someone were to say "aren't you going to have a glass of wine?" I hate disappointing people...strike that...I hate "feeling like" I'm disappointing people. I know this is one of my major cognitive distortions and probably a distortion others experience too.

I'm referring to the expectations I imagine others have of me. I know these expectations are all in my head but the feeling of guilt and disappointment that I associate with these expectations is SO huge that I'd rather live up to them than take a chance on what would happen if I did something unexpected or in this case make healthier choices.

I can only take this detox one day at a time but I am already wondering what happens on Day 31? Can I keep it up? Can I make better choices AND indulge in an occasional glass of wine or a tasty dessert without over-indulging?

I did stick to my meal plan - although for dinner I had just written "fish." I thought about what I did have in my produce stocks - tomatoes, cucumbers, avocados so I decided I wanted to make ceviche. This was not one of the recipes in my booklet but I thought I do a bit of improvising with ingredients I knew I could eat.  I noticed shrimp was listed as an okay food but I don't really care for shrimp so I did some Internet searching and found that scallops and shrimp are almost identical nutritionally. I asked my husband picked up some fresh sea scallops on his way home for work.

Then I thought 'but I love having tortilla chips with ceviche but that is most definitely not on the detox. I then consulted the Simply Fit Kitchen Facebook page for some cooking tips on the Arbonne cleanse and so that she had made some tortilla strips from rice tortillas. I went to Whole Foods as I needed cilantro and found gluten free tortillas. I cut them into wedges, seasoned with salt and baked them in the oven at 400 degrees for 10-15 minutes.

I started the ceviche a little late so the marinating took longer than expected which left me eating after 7pm (another no-no on the detox) and munching on chips because by 6:40pm I was STARVING and quite frankly sick of raw vegetables and I had already had an apple, a nectarine and 2 protein shakes for the day. Alright I also eat one of my son's fish sticks. It was the Dr. Praeger's brand so I think I deserve a pass.

Overall I'd call Day 5 successful even if I splurged on a fish stick.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Day 4: Creating in the Kitchen

Following the cleanse is going well. I am being vigilant about making my shakes and packing healthy snacks for when I'm out and about. I'm worried that I'm going to get bored with the routine though. How can I spice it up? Pun intended.

Today my son and I went to our favorite farm to pick cherry tomatoes before hitting the beach. We also picked up our weekly fruit and vegetable share from the farm co-op we belong to. When I made my meal plan on Sunday, my intention was to make turkey chili with a leftover turkey tenderloin we grilled last night and I also had a lot of fantastic vegetables to now include from today's pick 'ins.

 I love to cook. I learned to cook growing up watching my grandmother. When I was in college I commuted from home. My grandmother's mobility was slowly decreasing due to bad knees and she could no longer stand up well enough in the kitchen to prep and cook. I took over preparing family meals for me, my grandmother and my mother.

Over the years my love for food and making creative dishes has just increased...along with my waistline. In the past year, I have especially been trying to make more vegetable and protein based dinners. I think the added challenge of this cleanse (no dairy, no gluten, no soy, no refined sugar, no alcohol) is going to have me being even more creative in the kitchen.

Like tonight I made my turkey chili. I did follow a recipe but altered it along the way. It is not uncommon for me to improvise in the kitchen. I have a pretty developed sense of what ingredients go together, how to select herbs and spices that compliment those ingredients, and can easily eyeball spoonfuls of seasonings. Turkey chili was made with leeks, garlic, chunks of lean turkey meat, black eyed peas, mild hot peppers, zucchini, a can of crushed tomatoes, and lots of spices and herbs. While my chili was simmering, I decided to make a soup.

In addition to my usual share, I requested a bulk order of 20 lbs of second tomatoes. I decided to roast the tomatoes to make a the soup. I also received red onions from the share,  a jalapeno pepper, garlic, tomatillos, and corn. I roasted it all together with EVOO.  I love creamy tomato soup but "creamy" is not on the cleanse at least not in usual way of making tomato soup creamy so I added the corn. I thought the corn would add that sweetness and thickness. I might even puree a bean in there for a creamier texture.

As I continue on with this blog I think I am going to add a tab of recipes that I make while I am following the cleanse. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Day 3: Bedtime Grumblings

I wish I were referring to an overtired toddler fighting sleep but no I am referring to my stomach!

Bedtime is a process in our house...no different than other homes. There is the usual cranky chorus of "NO's" to tubby, teeth brushing, jammies but the hardest part is that my son requires you to lay down next time until he falls asleep. I wish he was one of those kids who could go to bed and fall asleep. He does take a decent nap once a day so I'll take what I can and I do love the snuggle time.  It's right at my witching hour when my stomach starts to growl and want that after dinner snack.

Last night when it happened I just waited till I had to pee walked to the bathroom brushed my teeth and went to bed instead of going downstairs to face the fridge. Tonight I decided to face my fear. I made a cup of detox tea which I sipped slowly. It's gone now. I'm watching my favorite Sunday shows that I recorded and am writing this post. I need to make a list of things I can do after 7pm instead of eat.

Day 2: Food Mourning

My son and I went on the road on Day 2 as we were headed to a beach an hour away to be with some friends. I got on the road later than anticipated. I spent the morning cutting vegetables, packing snacks for myself (and my son), preparing a lunchtime shake, a thermos full of water and of course the usual stuff when you hit the beach with a 3 year...swim diapers, extra diapers, extra clothes, sand toys, chairs, etc.

We had a great day. My anxiety about frequent trips to the bathroom was quelled by my anxiety so I just didn't drink a lot of water. I experienced very little hunger and made it through the day. My son was in a super cooperative mood and played on the beach until 3:30pm without a nap and in a fabulously cheerful mood.

The drive home was peaceful as my son was unconscious as soon as I pulled out of the driveway of my friend's summer rental but as I drove down Route 1 through the coastal towns of Maine, I started to experience a feeling of sadness as I drove past what seemed like hundreds of restaurants, lobster shacks, ice cream shops, bakeries, and gourmet shops. My mind would begin to daydream about another road trip with my son and my husband back to Maine and how fun it would be to spend the day or the weekend but then my heart would sink as I thought "but what am I going to eat?"

I LOVE eating out. I am a Foodie. I love a superb glass of wine and a well prepared meal especially one with local ingredients and creative preparation. I love cocktails and have perfected the art of making outstanding mojitos with agave nectar. How could I possibly go away and eat? How could I just go out to dinner in my hometown? I started to get really sad and angry about the possibility of never being able to enjoy a meal out again.

I can certainly be a catastrophizer in the thought department as I imagined a life without eating or drinking out. I was just so sad watching these lovely little restaurants whiz by and thinking, "Can I really do this?"

Grief isn't called a process for nothing. There are stages one goes through when they experience a loss of a loved one. I have been in denial for a very long time. I buy the right ingredients but I don't eat well. Portion control and I have never been friends. The reason you grieve the loss of a loved one is that you need to create a life for yourself without that person. You can live without that person. It's not the same life. The memory of that person will always be present but you need to accommodate their vacancy and make changes to the way you do things day in and day out.

On the ride home from the beach all I could think about was how I needed to allow myself to move out of denial and into another stage of grief. The 5 stages of grief according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are (1) denial, (2) anger (3) bargaining (4) depression (5) acceptance. I'm not sure what stage I am exactly headed for and before I do I wish I could have a better understanding of my denial and what am I grieving exactly?

Is it the loss of food? I know its something more emotional than that because I will always be able to eat. I have always been an emotional eater. But what is it that I was longing for when I drove past all those restaurants? Could it be that I'm afraid that I will not be able to enjoy myself if I don't have something rich and decadent or creamy and savory? Where is the authentic deprivation in my life? How do I fill the void that I think only food can fill? When it comes to alcohol, I know that I have often linked socializing with having a few drinks. I also know that I am a socially anxious person who can fake it with the best of 'em. What will quench this emotional thirst I have?

I can no longer deny that I have been using food and drink to fill an emotional void in my life. It will not be easy to pass up an invitation to go out to dinner or grab a drink with friends or on those nights when I'm just too tired to cook to find the will to say "no" to take out. I have never thought of myself as having a food addiction but I wouldn't rule it out either. For now, I need to be careful with myself on this cleanse and stick to the plan.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Day 1: Exercise for the day = 20+ trips to the bathroom

I would call day 1 a success. I kept to my meal plan that included 2 shakes, 2 egg whites with a tomato, an apple, small bag of snap peas, 6 almonds, 2 cups of detox tea, and a dinner of Moroccan eggplant over brown rice. On top of that I must have drank at least 64+ ounces of water. All of this equalled 4 trips an hour to the bathroom! I'm contemplating putting one of my son's potty training pads on my bed because the thought of no sleep from being in the bathroom all night or wetting the bed is way too disturbing to imagine.

I found the plan easy to follow however I had this looming sense of skepticism hovering over me all day. Can I do this? Can I stick to this? I really want to say with whole hearted confidence, "YES! I am going to do this!!" I cannot muster that much optimism. I made it through today. I can go to sleep tonight and breathe a sigh of relief that I did it...today and I will do my best to do it tomorrow.

I am going on a day trip tomorrow with my son. I plan on being prepared. I will pack cut vegetables, low glycemic fruit, lots of water and my lunch shake. I will eat a filling breakfast. I will put my husband on dinner duty because we'll be home late. I will enjoy playing with my son on the beach and collect shells. I think the thing I'm most worried about is the lack of bathroom facilities on the beach we will be on. I'm not above peeing in the ocean if necessary...yeah that's right I said it but I will be in Maine and that water is COLD! I guess I will be taking a lot of looong walks back to my friend's house to use the bathroom. I never thought I'd get this much exercise on a detox without actually exercising!

What is "The Mommy Cleanse"?

No this is not some new fad diet or the musings of a woman trying to detox from motherhood...at least not yet.

I decided to blog to keep myself accountable as I start a 30 day cleanse program today. I have struggled with my weight since college. Over the years my weight has slowly crept up and up. I have tried numerous diets Weight Watchers, Sonoma, Eat Clean, Atkins and of course the ever popular binging and purging. Nothing has worked. When I got pregnant with my son (who is now 3.5), I was at my heaviest of 180 lbs. at 40 weeks pregnant I was 215lbs. Three and a half years later I am just under 200 pounds. The lowest I was able to get down to in the past 2 years was 187 lbs.

Up until now I have told myself, "I don't need to diet, I'll just change the way I eat." I buy organic foods, belong to a farm CSA, stay away from soda, blah, blah blah but I still continue to gain weight and make poor food choices. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate needing to buy new clothes in larger sizes - I also hate that a size 14 is sometimes too small and a 1X is too big. Despite all this drudgery, I cannot seem to stop myself from going to the coffee shop every morning to "just get coffee" and walk out with a coffe and a baked good. On those days I just don't give a shit.

Now let me tell you why I don't give a shit  - because I'm tired. Literally and figuratively. Yes I am a mother but I am also a therapist, a professor, a wife, a friend, an artist, an art teacher, a damn good cook (hense weight problem), an organizer, a daughter, a therapy consumer (that probably goes without saying), an overachiever (also implicit) and now a blog writer AND (this is new to the list) "a dieter."

I hate the D word. It truly is dirty. It makes me feel like a hopeless failure and I am anything but. As I mentioned I am an avid therapy consumer and I have been working on my confidence and self-esteem for decades and I finally feel comfortable admitting my successes. The weight isn't even about how I look...okay that was a total bullshit statement. Yes I hate the way I look but more than that I hate how lethargic I feel. I hate that every morning I feel hungover even when I haven't had any cocktails the night before. I hate that my cholesterol and sugar levels and triglycerides are off the charts. I hate that I truly want to have a second baby and am terrified of how much weight I might gain. I'm also 38 years old and that as each day passes my baby window gets smaller and smaller and my ability to lose weight gets harder and harder.

I went to an Arbonne party a few weeks ago and listened to a presentation on health and wellness. Some of the information on health and nutrition was not new to me but the eye opener for me was realizing the damage I am doing to my body. Historically, my maternal lineage is known for living long lives but lives riddled with health issues like obesity, hypertension, diabetes, cancer, joint and bone damage. I don't want to end up tha way. Even if I never have another child I want to enjoy the time I have with my son and any future grandchildren.

This brings us to the present as I start my Arbonne 30 day cleanse. The goal of the program is not weight loss. Although it is one of the perks. The goal is ridding the body of toxins, eating clean, identifying allergens, and improving overall body function. I did a lot of prepping this weekend. I have all my Arbonne products (vegan protein powder, supplements, recipes). I prepared a meal plan for the week. If you knew me you'd know I'm not someone who is that prepared. I went shopping for my supplies for said meal plan and I set up this blog to keep myself accountable and maybe receive some encouragement or sympathy from other women out there who struggle with their weight, who are tired of trying to diet but desperately want to be healthy.

I welcome comments, feedback, stories, recipes, advice from the blogging community. I am uncertain of the outcome of this 30 day plan. I am often skeptical of my ability to see things through, well, at least things for myslef. I follow through on things for other people all the time but I have trouble putting my own health needs first. I'm hoping to explore that too. I guess this blog will be more than just about logging my progress following the 30 day cleanse but maybe it's also about cleansing the toxic thoughts I have about myself and the impact that toxicity has on me mentally and emotionally.