What is "The Mommy Cleanse"?

No this is not some new fad diet or the musings of a woman trying to detox from motherhood...at least not yet.

I decided to blog to keep myself accountable as I start a 30 day cleanse program today. I have struggled with my weight since college. Over the years my weight has slowly crept up and up. I have tried numerous diets Weight Watchers, Sonoma, Eat Clean, Atkins and of course the ever popular binging and purging. Nothing has worked. When I got pregnant with my son (who is now 3.5), I was at my heaviest of 180 lbs. at 40 weeks pregnant I was 215lbs. Three and a half years later I am just under 200 pounds. The lowest I was able to get down to in the past 2 years was 187 lbs.

Up until now I have told myself, "I don't need to diet, I'll just change the way I eat." I buy organic foods, belong to a farm CSA, stay away from soda, blah, blah blah but I still continue to gain weight and make poor food choices. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate needing to buy new clothes in larger sizes - I also hate that a size 14 is sometimes too small and a 1X is too big. Despite all this drudgery, I cannot seem to stop myself from going to the coffee shop every morning to "just get coffee" and walk out with a coffe and a baked good. On those days I just don't give a shit.

Now let me tell you why I don't give a shit  - because I'm tired. Literally and figuratively. Yes I am a mother but I am also a therapist, a professor, a wife, a friend, an artist, an art teacher, a damn good cook (hense weight problem), an organizer, a daughter, a therapy consumer (that probably goes without saying), an overachiever (also implicit) and now a blog writer AND (this is new to the list) "a dieter."

I hate the D word. It truly is dirty. It makes me feel like a hopeless failure and I am anything but. As I mentioned I am an avid therapy consumer and I have been working on my confidence and self-esteem for decades and I finally feel comfortable admitting my successes. The weight isn't even about how I look...okay that was a total bullshit statement. Yes I hate the way I look but more than that I hate how lethargic I feel. I hate that every morning I feel hungover even when I haven't had any cocktails the night before. I hate that my cholesterol and sugar levels and triglycerides are off the charts. I hate that I truly want to have a second baby and am terrified of how much weight I might gain. I'm also 38 years old and that as each day passes my baby window gets smaller and smaller and my ability to lose weight gets harder and harder.

I went to an Arbonne party a few weeks ago and listened to a presentation on health and wellness. Some of the information on health and nutrition was not new to me but the eye opener for me was realizing the damage I am doing to my body. Historically, my maternal lineage is known for living long lives but lives riddled with health issues like obesity, hypertension, diabetes, cancer, joint and bone damage. I don't want to end up tha way. Even if I never have another child I want to enjoy the time I have with my son and any future grandchildren.

This brings us to the present as I start my Arbonne 30 day cleanse. The goal of the program is not weight loss. Although it is one of the perks. The goal is ridding the body of toxins, eating clean, identifying allergens, and improving overall body function. I did a lot of prepping this weekend. I have all my Arbonne products (vegan protein powder, supplements, recipes). I prepared a meal plan for the week. If you knew me you'd know I'm not someone who is that prepared. I went shopping for my supplies for said meal plan and I set up this blog to keep myself accountable and maybe receive some encouragement or sympathy from other women out there who struggle with their weight, who are tired of trying to diet but desperately want to be healthy.

I welcome comments, feedback, stories, recipes, advice from the blogging community. I am uncertain of the outcome of this 30 day plan. I am often skeptical of my ability to see things through, well, at least things for myslef. I follow through on things for other people all the time but I have trouble putting my own health needs first. I'm hoping to explore that too. I guess this blog will be more than just about logging my progress following the 30 day cleanse but maybe it's also about cleansing the toxic thoughts I have about myself and the impact that toxicity has on me mentally and emotionally.