Day 2: Food Mourning

My son and I went on the road on Day 2 as we were headed to a beach an hour away to be with some friends. I got on the road later than anticipated. I spent the morning cutting vegetables, packing snacks for myself (and my son), preparing a lunchtime shake, a thermos full of water and of course the usual stuff when you hit the beach with a 3 year...swim diapers, extra diapers, extra clothes, sand toys, chairs, etc.

We had a great day. My anxiety about frequent trips to the bathroom was quelled by my anxiety so I just didn't drink a lot of water. I experienced very little hunger and made it through the day. My son was in a super cooperative mood and played on the beach until 3:30pm without a nap and in a fabulously cheerful mood.

The drive home was peaceful as my son was unconscious as soon as I pulled out of the driveway of my friend's summer rental but as I drove down Route 1 through the coastal towns of Maine, I started to experience a feeling of sadness as I drove past what seemed like hundreds of restaurants, lobster shacks, ice cream shops, bakeries, and gourmet shops. My mind would begin to daydream about another road trip with my son and my husband back to Maine and how fun it would be to spend the day or the weekend but then my heart would sink as I thought "but what am I going to eat?"

I LOVE eating out. I am a Foodie. I love a superb glass of wine and a well prepared meal especially one with local ingredients and creative preparation. I love cocktails and have perfected the art of making outstanding mojitos with agave nectar. How could I possibly go away and eat? How could I just go out to dinner in my hometown? I started to get really sad and angry about the possibility of never being able to enjoy a meal out again.

I can certainly be a catastrophizer in the thought department as I imagined a life without eating or drinking out. I was just so sad watching these lovely little restaurants whiz by and thinking, "Can I really do this?"

Grief isn't called a process for nothing. There are stages one goes through when they experience a loss of a loved one. I have been in denial for a very long time. I buy the right ingredients but I don't eat well. Portion control and I have never been friends. The reason you grieve the loss of a loved one is that you need to create a life for yourself without that person. You can live without that person. It's not the same life. The memory of that person will always be present but you need to accommodate their vacancy and make changes to the way you do things day in and day out.

On the ride home from the beach all I could think about was how I needed to allow myself to move out of denial and into another stage of grief. The 5 stages of grief according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are (1) denial, (2) anger (3) bargaining (4) depression (5) acceptance. I'm not sure what stage I am exactly headed for and before I do I wish I could have a better understanding of my denial and what am I grieving exactly?

Is it the loss of food? I know its something more emotional than that because I will always be able to eat. I have always been an emotional eater. But what is it that I was longing for when I drove past all those restaurants? Could it be that I'm afraid that I will not be able to enjoy myself if I don't have something rich and decadent or creamy and savory? Where is the authentic deprivation in my life? How do I fill the void that I think only food can fill? When it comes to alcohol, I know that I have often linked socializing with having a few drinks. I also know that I am a socially anxious person who can fake it with the best of 'em. What will quench this emotional thirst I have?

I can no longer deny that I have been using food and drink to fill an emotional void in my life. It will not be easy to pass up an invitation to go out to dinner or grab a drink with friends or on those nights when I'm just too tired to cook to find the will to say "no" to take out. I have never thought of myself as having a food addiction but I wouldn't rule it out either. For now, I need to be careful with myself on this cleanse and stick to the plan.