Day 5: Making the most of a Friday Night without Alcohol

On a typical Friday night I'm at home with my son and my husband. I'll make dinner. Get 'A' ready for bed, watch repeats of Storage Wars and enjoy a glass or two (or three) of wine. Tonight was not much different except for the wine.

One of the things that I have come to realize this week is how much I drink in the evening. I will have a glass of wine with dinner (again or 2 or 3). I'll make mojitos. I might even get some hard cider. I have not drank at all this week. As I write this blog, I am enjoying a cup of detox tea...ahhh (ha-ha).

I spent the whole day at home washing multiple loads of laundry (that still need to be folded) and prepping for my psychology courses that start up in 2 weeks however I felt this edgy melancholy all day because what's a Friday night without a glass of wine? I know that this detox is not forever (25 more days to go but who's counting??) but its clear that I have to change my relationship not only to food but drink.

I actually could have gone to an art opening tonight. I really wanted to go but I was scared. How could I possibly go to an art opening and NOT have a glass of wine? Furthermore how could I turn down a glass of wine if someone were to say "aren't you going to have a glass of wine?" I hate disappointing people...strike that...I hate "feeling like" I'm disappointing people. I know this is one of my major cognitive distortions and probably a distortion others experience too.

I'm referring to the expectations I imagine others have of me. I know these expectations are all in my head but the feeling of guilt and disappointment that I associate with these expectations is SO huge that I'd rather live up to them than take a chance on what would happen if I did something unexpected or in this case make healthier choices.

I can only take this detox one day at a time but I am already wondering what happens on Day 31? Can I keep it up? Can I make better choices AND indulge in an occasional glass of wine or a tasty dessert without over-indulging?

I did stick to my meal plan - although for dinner I had just written "fish." I thought about what I did have in my produce stocks - tomatoes, cucumbers, avocados so I decided I wanted to make ceviche. This was not one of the recipes in my booklet but I thought I do a bit of improvising with ingredients I knew I could eat.  I noticed shrimp was listed as an okay food but I don't really care for shrimp so I did some Internet searching and found that scallops and shrimp are almost identical nutritionally. I asked my husband picked up some fresh sea scallops on his way home for work.

Then I thought 'but I love having tortilla chips with ceviche but that is most definitely not on the detox. I then consulted the Simply Fit Kitchen Facebook page for some cooking tips on the Arbonne cleanse and so that she had made some tortilla strips from rice tortillas. I went to Whole Foods as I needed cilantro and found gluten free tortillas. I cut them into wedges, seasoned with salt and baked them in the oven at 400 degrees for 10-15 minutes.

I started the ceviche a little late so the marinating took longer than expected which left me eating after 7pm (another no-no on the detox) and munching on chips because by 6:40pm I was STARVING and quite frankly sick of raw vegetables and I had already had an apple, a nectarine and 2 protein shakes for the day. Alright I also eat one of my son's fish sticks. It was the Dr. Praeger's brand so I think I deserve a pass.

Overall I'd call Day 5 successful even if I splurged on a fish stick.

What is "The Mommy Cleanse"?

No this is not some new fad diet or the musings of a woman trying to detox from motherhood...at least not yet.

I decided to blog to keep myself accountable as I start a 30 day cleanse program today. I have struggled with my weight since college. Over the years my weight has slowly crept up and up. I have tried numerous diets Weight Watchers, Sonoma, Eat Clean, Atkins and of course the ever popular binging and purging. Nothing has worked. When I got pregnant with my son (who is now 3.5), I was at my heaviest of 180 lbs. at 40 weeks pregnant I was 215lbs. Three and a half years later I am just under 200 pounds. The lowest I was able to get down to in the past 2 years was 187 lbs.

Up until now I have told myself, "I don't need to diet, I'll just change the way I eat." I buy organic foods, belong to a farm CSA, stay away from soda, blah, blah blah but I still continue to gain weight and make poor food choices. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate needing to buy new clothes in larger sizes - I also hate that a size 14 is sometimes too small and a 1X is too big. Despite all this drudgery, I cannot seem to stop myself from going to the coffee shop every morning to "just get coffee" and walk out with a coffe and a baked good. On those days I just don't give a shit.

Now let me tell you why I don't give a shit  - because I'm tired. Literally and figuratively. Yes I am a mother but I am also a therapist, a professor, a wife, a friend, an artist, an art teacher, a damn good cook (hense weight problem), an organizer, a daughter, a therapy consumer (that probably goes without saying), an overachiever (also implicit) and now a blog writer AND (this is new to the list) "a dieter."

I hate the D word. It truly is dirty. It makes me feel like a hopeless failure and I am anything but. As I mentioned I am an avid therapy consumer and I have been working on my confidence and self-esteem for decades and I finally feel comfortable admitting my successes. The weight isn't even about how I look...okay that was a total bullshit statement. Yes I hate the way I look but more than that I hate how lethargic I feel. I hate that every morning I feel hungover even when I haven't had any cocktails the night before. I hate that my cholesterol and sugar levels and triglycerides are off the charts. I hate that I truly want to have a second baby and am terrified of how much weight I might gain. I'm also 38 years old and that as each day passes my baby window gets smaller and smaller and my ability to lose weight gets harder and harder.

I went to an Arbonne party a few weeks ago and listened to a presentation on health and wellness. Some of the information on health and nutrition was not new to me but the eye opener for me was realizing the damage I am doing to my body. Historically, my maternal lineage is known for living long lives but lives riddled with health issues like obesity, hypertension, diabetes, cancer, joint and bone damage. I don't want to end up tha way. Even if I never have another child I want to enjoy the time I have with my son and any future grandchildren.

This brings us to the present as I start my Arbonne 30 day cleanse. The goal of the program is not weight loss. Although it is one of the perks. The goal is ridding the body of toxins, eating clean, identifying allergens, and improving overall body function. I did a lot of prepping this weekend. I have all my Arbonne products (vegan protein powder, supplements, recipes). I prepared a meal plan for the week. If you knew me you'd know I'm not someone who is that prepared. I went shopping for my supplies for said meal plan and I set up this blog to keep myself accountable and maybe receive some encouragement or sympathy from other women out there who struggle with their weight, who are tired of trying to diet but desperately want to be healthy.

I welcome comments, feedback, stories, recipes, advice from the blogging community. I am uncertain of the outcome of this 30 day plan. I am often skeptical of my ability to see things through, well, at least things for myslef. I follow through on things for other people all the time but I have trouble putting my own health needs first. I'm hoping to explore that too. I guess this blog will be more than just about logging my progress following the 30 day cleanse but maybe it's also about cleansing the toxic thoughts I have about myself and the impact that toxicity has on me mentally and emotionally.